Season 3 Episode 3 - 1997
by fanningon
Summary: Third episode of an 8 episode season 3 fanfic. Please read episodes 1 and 2 first. if you can, read it with the suggested music. cheers m'dears


'_Grind' by Alice In Chains_

"Can I come in?"

She blew smoke out and looked up and down the road.

"Alright."

Finn entered the house and turned to look at her, his hollow eyes crawling up her body and resting on her face.

"And I didn't come to talk."

Elsa closed the door and instantly he slammed her into it, his mouth angry and insistent found hers and kissed her passionately, his body pressing against hers, pinning her to the door. There was a volcanic fire between them, the fury of a hurricane at sea, an electrical storm of energy swirled around them. It was Finn's rage and Elsa's normal state of sexuality mingling.

Elsa felt her body responding and kissed him heatedly until her senses returned and she gently pushed him away. She sighed appreciatively.

"Alright Finn." She cleared her throat, and shook her head in admiration of him. He was furious, lusty and determined. He pushed her back into the door again, his hands going up to her breasts, firmly squeezing them, a groan of appreciation leaving his mouth before he crushed her mouth with his again, the kiss long and hard, but she stopped him again, and again had to shake her head. She sighed internally and looked up at his angry, lustful face.

"Bloody hell." She laughed, "was not expecting that." She held out her hand to him. "Come on." He looked at her proffered hand and gave her a dirty smirk before taking it. She led him deeper into her house, stopping at the door to the spare bedroom.

"Sleep it off boy." She nodded at the spare bed and started to walk away, still smiling, without looking at his confused and frustrated face.

"But I wanna fuck." He called after her aggressively.

"Doesn't mean it'll happen." She answered, still in good humour.

"Why?"

"Just get some sleep Finn."

"Well I'll sleep with the door open, in nought but me skin. You change your mind, you can come in and ride me." Her eyes narrowed, the electricity between them becoming moody and dangerous. She turned back to him, walking slowly down the hallway.

"Oh Finn," she stood centimetres from him, "you wouldn't really know what to do with me. Boy." She ended pointedly before turning and walking away. "Now sleep." She said without looking back, her good mood spent.

Finn paced in the spare bedroom, his anger rising, his need for an outlet burning through his insides until, without warning, he struck out and punched a hole in the wall. He hadn't even expected it. He took his bloody hand out of the hole and sat with a thump on the bed. He felt tears in his eyes and pushed them down again as he stripped off and laid down on top of the bed covers, brazenly hoping she'd come back but knowing that it would be better if she didn't.

Finn woke the next morning when he heard the toilet flush. He felt an ache in his fist and moved the fingers gingerly. Nothing seemed broken, just bruised and swollen. He saw her walk past the spare room, without looking in, wearing a short black dressing gown and red fluffy slippers.

" 'Morning." He called after her. She walked back to his room, a glass of water in her hand, her hair tousled, her face unreadable, and looked in at him, lying naked and sprawled across the bed.

" 'Morning Finn."

Their eyes both went to the hole in the wall, Elsa ran he tongue cross her teeth, unimpressed. Finn looked from the hole to her face.

"You know I came here last night to fuck you."

"No you didn't." She dismissed his words.

"I did, and I will." He answered confidently, the rage from last night still smouldering in his eyes. She looked back to the hole in her wall.

"You'll be fixing that." She said softly.

"Give me another excuse to get in your house. It's only a matter of time before it happens. All that chemistry we got."

"Finn, I've got chemistry with everyone. Don't overestimate yourself." She laughed, amused, and then smiled enigmatically, "put some clothes on, I'll do some breakfast." Finn jumped up from the bed and grabbed her arm before she turned away.

"I know you liked it. You couldn't hide it." He looked down at the tie to her dressing gown and put his fingers to it, noticing that she didn't stop him, he pulled it undone, his mind flashing images of Rae undoing her own robe and the feelings that produced started to drown him. He pushed them down, tried to box them up.

"Finn. It's not going to happen."

"Why?" He raised his hands to her shoulders and slipped his fingers under the collar, ready to take it off her, "Don't you want me? Don't you find me attractive?" His bruised eyes searched her face.

"No Finn, I do find you attractive. I do have eyes in my head. And I know we'd have great sex… because I'd be involved, and my sex is always great."

"You can teach me what you like."

"I don't think so."

"But you're so sexy and so beautiful, and I want you. So what's the problem?" He touched her cheek with his hand and moved closer to her, he kissed her lips softly, but it only lasted a moment before she pushed him away patiently.

She gently tied her robe back up and licked her lips thoughtfully as she took a small step back from him.

"There's 3 problems Finn."

"Right, and if I can answer all of them, will you fuck me?" His face was still angry and hurt, as it had been the whole time he'd been here, even though he grinned, she saw his grief.

"If you can answer all 3 I'll fuck you so good it'll change your fucking life."

"You're on."

"Right. Well problem 1. You're still under 18." She smiled sweetly, knowing she'd won.

"I turn 18 soon enough."

"It's a hard fast rule. No one under 18 gets in these pants." Finn waved it off.

"That's a bullshit problem, what's problem 2?" He said cockily, aggressively.

"Whilst technically you're not currently my student, you will be in a manner of days, and I don't fuck my students."

"But I'm not your student right now." He thought he had this problem solved.

"No. But you will be. And that matters."

"I don't think I'll go back to college." He countered.

"Finn Nelson, if you don't go back to college, I will personally kick each of your testicles 100 times."

"Jesus fucking Christ woman!" Elsa gave him an unrepentant glare.

"And problem 3, and this is actually the biggest of the problems." She took a sip of her water, "I am not a tourniquet and I am not morphine. I have done some pretty kinky and perverted things in my sex life. But I have never allowed myself to be used like that. And I never will. When people fuck me; they want to fuck ME. When people are fucking with me, they are here with ME, it's all about what we're doing. If we fucked Finn… it'd all be about Rae. And I am not a substitute for Rae." She waited for a moment, watching his face as it all sank in, saw the pain he'd been trying to conceal with his brash actions start to resurface.

"Put your clothes on. I'll make us some breakfast." She left him with his thoughts and feelings, and he couldn't stand it. He hurriedly dressed and followed her out to the kitchen.

"Did you really have an orgy the other night?"

"That's what you choose to ask me after what I just said?" She chuckled. He shrugged. "Still running huh?" She sighed and opened the fridge, "How many people do you think you need to have an orgy?"

"I dunno. 10?"

"Then no. Not an orgy."

"But how many-"

"I think we've done the prerequisite questions about my sex life that we seem to have every time we talk, for today, don't you? Move on." She got out some fruit and began to chop it up. There was a guarded silence, Finn watching her, the way she moved, so sure, so unaffected.

"How do you do it?" His voice was so vulnerable that she looked up from what she was doing to help her gauge what he was referring to.

"You mean the self-confidence?" She verified and he nodded, "it took a long time and a lot of work for me to like myself as much as I do. And I'll still be working on it the day I die."

"It never ends?"

"It never ends." She wiped her hands and sat down next to him at the kitchen table, feeling that he was ready to finally talk.

"So what happened, lover boy?" She teased and he smiled embarrassedly.

"Leave off." He groaned and they laughed.

"It's alright, I forgive you for coming to my house in the middle of the night and trying to fuck me, but not for putting a hole in my fucking wall." She glared at him, "But… Worse things have happened to me. Believe it or not." She conceded with a grin.

"Oh well that's comforting. Makes what I did just fine then." He joked. "Oh fuck Elsa, I'm sorry." As the magnitude of his multiple fuck ups started to dawn on him.

"It's fine, you're a teenaged boy, I'm surprised you didn't put your dick in the new hole that's in my wall." He narrowed his eyes at her but she laughed at him, he shook his head in reply, a comfortable silence settled between them, and Elsa sensed it was time to start prodding.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened with Rae?" She asked seriously, changing the mood very suddenly, very deliberately.

"You already know." He barely spoke, turning his face away.

"Say it." She demanded.

"We broke up." His face was screwing up with pain before he'd said the last word and tears formed in his eyes. She saw him struggle to contain it and took him into her arms. He cried, his hands fisted into his pockets, his body tense with emotion. But very quickly he forced the emotion down, Elsa silently watching the struggle as he sat up and took some deep breaths.

"You're not good with emotions or talking or any of that are you?"

"No." Finn's voice cracked.

"Me either." She grinned conspiratorially. "I'm good with logic and fucking. But emotions do my head in." She turned to him, "How long have you physicalised your feelings?"

"I don't know what-"

"-that means." She finished the sentence.

"I always feels so dumb around ya." He muttered.

"Most people do, don't worry." She joked. "And you're not dumb Finn, just lazy with your thinking. But you don't know how to be otherwise yet, so don't be hard on yourself." She watched him bite the inside of his mouth for a moment before continuing, "What I mean is, you seem to act out when you have big negative emotions. You came here to fuck me and punch my wall, rather than cry over Rae. You do that a lot?"

"Yeah." His mind wandered back to Olivia, who he'd fucked like a whore on the back seat of her car on their first date, after he'd heard from a bruised and crying Chloe that Rae was with Liam now, "quite a bit actually."

"Do you do it with positive emotions too?"

"I suppose." He answered wishing he was as numb as he sounded. "Yes. Every time I kissed Rae I hoped she could feel what I were feeling, that she'd just know all the things I never said."

"That's a bit of a problem isn't it?" She got up and went back to the kitchen. "Do you want a cup of tea?"

"Aye, I wouldn't mind a brew."

"How do you have it?"

"What should I do?"

"Oh Finn." She sighed, "You should do whatever feels right to you."

"Elsa please."

"Like I said, I'm good with the head and the pants. I'm no good with the heart. You'll need to find someone else to talk that shit through with."

"But I need to get me head on straight!"

"Oh alright." She gave in and had a bit of a think, "If I were you, I'd spend some time alone, not too long, mind you… and think of all the things you never said to her and wish you had."

Finn slowly nodded.

"After you've thought about them, ask yourself if you're ok with never ever saying any of it to her." She put the sugar and milk in front of him, "If you are ok with never saying it, don't try to get back with her." She poured boiling water into her teapot, "If you're not ok with never saying it all… then you still need to decide if you can handle her world or not." She turned to him, "Cos if you can't, then too bad – it all has to go unsaid."

"But…"

"Finn…" her voice was exasperated but firm, and Finn's lips narrowed in response as he watched her gesticulate at him, "it's not enough to just love her, or to care about her, or to want to be with her. It's never enough. There's so much more to making a relationship work, and people don't realise that and wonder why it falls apart."

"That's not true." He insisted, "Love is what keeps everything together." She sighed in annoyance at him.

"Ok… well imagine that your relationship is a house." She waited for Finn.

"Like right now?"

"Yep, imagine it."

"Ok." He said bemusedly.

"Your relationship is a house…" She considered what metaphors she could use, "Love is the roof… and trust is the foundation slab, and communication is the walls. Without any of those three things you've got a pretty shitty house." She tested her metaphors in her mind to see if they worked, before continuing; "Can't build a relationship without trust, can't hold the roof up without communication, and without love, everything's ruined." She saw realisation creep into Finn's face and knew that she had his full understanding now. "You're trying to hold a roof up with no walls Finn. It can't last like that."

"You're right." He blinked slowly as his mind took it in fully.

"I know." She answered sardonically and then light-heartedly continued, "Continuing the metaphor, I guess commitment is the little white picket fence around the garden. I fucking hate picket fences, you know?"

"Turns out I don't mine 'em." Finn answered honestly. They shared a smile and she poured out some tea and they sat together drinking the strong brew.

"You know communication is more than just talking and listening. Part of it is understanding your partner and where they're coming from, as much as you can, it's an ongoing process. Do you understand Rae?"

"Most of the time, no."

"Right. Do you think she understands you?"

"Most of the time, yes." He said with a sentimental, sad half smile.

"That seems a bit uneven doesn't it?" He nodded miserably, "Well I suggest that you go somewhere for a few days over Christmas, and you think about all those unsaid things." She took her tea back to the kitchen side and started chopping the fruit again, "Then you think about whether you can handle it in Rae's world, and what it really means to be in that world." She turned back to him, "Make your decisions, fully aware and conscious of what you're deciding to do. Then come back, and act accordingly. And get your arse to college." She nodded and put some chopped fruit in a bowl, "How does that sound… chubby chaser?" She teased with a smirk.

"Piss off!" He answered with begrudging humour, his face breaking out into a disbelieving grin.

"Alright!" She laughed at his mood, "I'm having fruit and yoghurt, what do you want?"

"Have you got some bacon?"

Finn left Elsa's place still feeling emotionally raw but like he had a purpose now. He walked home, left a note for his dad and got on his bike; headed for Leeds.

'_Lover, You Should Have Come Over' by Jeff Buckley_

_I had carefully packed all of his things into a plastic storage box. _

Rae read the playlist on a CD, ran her fingers along the edges of it, kissed it, tears slowly dripping from her face and put it on the box. She picked up another CD, slowly examining everything about it, just as she had every item in the box.

_It took a lot for me to put his shirt in. I wanted to keep it and smell him forever. But I knew I had to give it back, and eventually his smell would be gone from the material anyway. _

_Mum had changed me sheets, so there was none of our sex left on them. Once I took this box back to him, there'd be nothing left of him in my room. In my life. _

"I don't want it to be over." She whispered to emptiness of her room. She hadn't stopped crying since the argument yesterday, even now she was incapable of controlling the tears.

She took the box and listlessly walked down the stairs, heading for Finn's place. She saw the black box that held his Nan's diamond necklace on the top of the pile and felt naked without it around her neck. She hadn't taken it off since he'd given it to her. This morning she had wept uncontrollably as she carefully put it back in the box. The keys to the car, the rego papers, a few CDs and videos, a shirt; his shirt. She didn't care that she was walking up the street crying, didn't care that a few people had noticed and stared.

When she arrived at Finn's place she almost just left the box on the doorstep, but she couldn't stand the idea of the chance that the necklace might be stolen so she knocked the door and waited to see him again, knowing it would tear her apart.

But it was Gary who opened the door, red-eyed and holding a letter.

"Rae?" His voice was soft, confused.

"I came to return Finn's stuff." Her voice wavered and fresh tears leaked from her eyes.

"He's in Leeds." Gary handed her the note. Rae read it and nodded miserably. He'd left again.

"Ok well, I'll just leave this with you then."

"No Rae, you'll have to give it to him yourself." He shook his head bitterly, he wanted nothing to do with this, "I called him when I found this note," He took the note from her, "and he says he might be back in a week."

"Ok." She answered hollowly and turned to leave.

"I'll call you if he comes?"

"Thank you."

"Rae… can I ask… what happened?"

"I happened." Her voice hiccoughed with tears and she turned to walk listlessly home.

He had been waiting for the chance to return to his favourite pub in Leeds, but it had been closed over Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day. So instead he'd stayed in his room at his uncle's home and watched the skin over his broken knuckles slowly heal. And he'd thought. Something he often avoided. He hadn't let himself cry. He never really did.

He felt that all that time alone in his room, not even coming down when his Uncle's fiancé had begged him to eat some Christmas lunch, had done nothing to clarify anything.

_What was Elsa talking about? _

_Taking some time to think? _

_It didn't help! _

_Everything was a mess in me head._

_It always was. _

_The only time me mind had ever been calm was when I looked in her eyes. _

_And that were gone._

_And if love wasn't enough – and I suspect that Elsa were right on that… am I enough?_

_Cos that's what it's really about._

_Am I enough for her?_

_And if I'm not, do I want to be?_

_Yes._

_I don't even need to think about that. _

_But can I be enough?_

_I don't know. _

_When I think about all the things I haven't said to her. _

_It makes me chest hurt. _

He opened the familiar door, and smiled grimly and sentimentally at the familiar smells.

"Finn." Nodded one of the old timers and he nodded back. The bar was almost empty at this time of day. But that was ok. He hadn't come for the ambience, or even for a pint. It was clarity he needed.

He went to the jukebox, picked out the song he always played in this pub and found his old faithful bar stool and settled in, waiting for her to appear.

As soon as she heard the song, Janice knew he was back. She was out back, helping her brother fill the kitchen fridges before the lunch rush; his kitchen-hand was running late for work. She looked at her brother.

"Haven't heard that song in a while." He said gruffly. Janice wiped her hands on his apron and went out to the bar.

He was sitting alone at the bar tearing the beer mat into tiny little pieces again. As he always had been every night a few weeks back.

"Hello Finn!" She hugged him warmly and he returned the hug with gratitude.

"Hey." He answered with a genuine smile.

"We've missed you."

"You should visit more." He countered and Janice nodded. She'd helped him move back to Stamford, but had not visited since then. She'd been busy looking for work after the art gallery she was working at was bought by a larger gallery and closed, leaving her with no work. She was helping her brother out, but she really needed something more steady, and the search had consumed all of her time.

"You're right. I'm sorry. But you can visit too." She admonished and he grinned.

"I'm sorry!"

"It's alright. I figured you were busy with Rae." She saw him wince slightly and look away.

"I were." He said softly.

"I really didn't expect to see you here again." She looked at the way his fingers tore the beer mat, the way his shoulders slumped, the dejected air surrounding him.

"Didn't expect to be here again."

"Pint?"

"Please."

She poured them both a pint and brought his round to him, sitting on the bar stool beside him.

"You can have that one on the house."

"Thanks."

"Planning on drinking it away?" She sipped her beer and watched him stare at his. He shook his head. They sat in silence for a while.

"Got a job yet?" She looked at him from the corner of her eye.

"Feeling talkative?" She joked.

"Aye." He answered sadly.

"Really?" She watched him shrug his shoulders and pursed her lips in thought.

"So this song again? Always this song."

"Can't argue with Jeff Buckley." Finn answered.

"Very true. He is a master. But this song… it's so melancholy, even for him."

"Yeah well, I'm melancholy."

"Is that why you like this song?"

"Yeah. And I like the lyrics… and the way he sings 'em."

"He has a way of crooning doesn't he?" Finn nodded and she leaned over the bar and got some peanuts for herself. "Tell me your favourite lyrics in this one." Finn stared ahead and smiled lopsidedly.

"Ah all of it." He groaned in sympathetic misery with the song.

"Ok. Mine is 'burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him' I like the way his voice, just aches for her."

"Yeah." Finn nodded his understanding, his voice small, lost under the sound of the song.

An image of Rae, her eyes opening slowly as she woke up after sleeping next to him flashed into his mind, and the yawning chasm of grief he felt ached for that loss.

_I'll never wake up beside her again._

"Your turn." She prodded.

"Um… 'Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong' I like... I hate it" He said, bitterness rising in his voice.

_I felt the bile on my tongue. _

_I was away from her. There were so much distance between us. _

_And it were my fault. _

He saw the flash of pain in Rae's eyes.

_Yeah maybe for you, but you know what I did when we were apart?_

_Fucked Liam, made him cheat on his girlfriend._

_Fuck you!_

That flash of pain.

Deep in her heart pain.

_Why did I say that? _

_Why?_

Janice saw the self-hatred and self-pity play across his face and left those emotions with him. She didn't try to examine them with him. She knew Finn was smart enough to figure out his own emotions, he just had to not bury them so deep that he couldn't see them, that's all.

"What else?" She instinctively asked, not understanding why she was pushing, when he was in pain.

"When I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it, where are you tonight… you know how much I need it." She heard the grief in his voice and left that alone as well. The ache in Finn's chest grew and he felt tears sting his eyes.

"There's a yearning isn't there?" She smiled at him, examining the song instead of his emotions, "it feels like he has nothing, he's broken and empty and all he has left is old wounds, old thoughts of her."

_The smell of her…_

He saw the way her lashes had moved on her face when he was inside of her that first night, the way her breath had escaped her in small sighs. How it had felt religious somehow, sacred. He remembered her mouth, her eyes, her skin.

Janice watched his eyes growing red and understood what he needed. She looked at his untouched beer and back to his face.

"Any others?"

"Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage he's done." He said through clenched teeth.

"That's his guilt. Shame. He knows it's his fault that it's all fallen apart. He knows he's hurt her." She saw Finn's chest heave convulsively, "There's a feeling in this song that he can't change it, can't undo it." She saw the first tear escape from his eyes.

_Fucked Liam, made him cheat on his girlfriend._

That flash of pain before she spoke defensively.

_Fuck you!_

She had felt the need to defend herself from him.

_I always thought I'd be the one to protect her._

_Not the one that hurt her._

"Why else do you play this song all the time Finn?"

"So I'll wait for you and I'll burn. Will I ever see your sweet return?" His aching, his yearning was palpable and Janice put a hand to her mouth. In the time he'd been away, his love for Rae had grown, more than she could have imagined.

"He doesn't know how this will end. If he can get her back." Janice said softly.

_It's my choice._

The way her hair had flown around her face as she'd turned, as she'd left him.

The way his inside had hollowed out, been replaced by an aching chasm, deeper than the deepest ocean, wider than the Grand Canyon.

How he had felt like he was nobody now, as she had pulled her hand from his.

As she had left him.

His mind wouldn't stop showing him, in exacting, minute detail, every little thing that he didn't want to see.

_Tears on her cheeks._

Every time she had cried flooded his mind.

"My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder." His voice cracked pitifully, the tears flowing now.

Making love in the back of their car.

"All my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her."

Holding her in his arms as she slept.

Janice put her arm around his shoulders, but he just continued quoting the song.

"All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter." His voice was barely audible now, his throat thick with tears.

Every smile she ever gave him.

"She's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."

Her turning, her leaving him.

"She's his everything… He'd do anything for her." Janice interpreted the lyrics again. "He'd do anything to have her again." Finn nodded.

"Aye I would." He turned to his beer and picked it up with shaky hands, taking a sip he tried, but was unable to stop his tears, "that's why I like this song." He said trying to at least steady his breathing and looking back across the pub self-consciously.

"But you misquoted the song Finn." He looked back to her.

"I know." He said softly.

"But the words you've left out are very important."

"I know." His voice shuddered with emotion.

"It's never over; my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder." Janice said resolutely.

_I can feel her lips on mine._

_Don't think about it Finn._

The aching pit inside of him screamed for acknowledgement.

"It's never over; all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her." Janet continued.

_The way she smiled when she opened her sleepy eyes and saw me._

_I can't…_

His tears renewed and his body shuddered with long repressed grief

"It's never over; all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter." Janice took a breath to steady herself as she saw him weeping.

_The way her face looks when we laugh together. When she teases me… when she smiles…_

_She's everything…_

_And I lost her…_

"It's never-" but he collapsed into the arm she already had around him, a hand pressed against his mouth hard, the other one clenching the bar, his knuckles white. And he wept.

He hadn't cried like this since his Nan had died, and even then he'd repressed it as quickly as he could.

This time he didn't know if he could repress it anymore.

_I don't even know why I was crying so much._

_I thought back to when me mum left, how me dad had told me to try and be brave. _

_How he'd kept his tears in. _

_I thought to all the times I'd felt shamed, alone and how much I missed me mum._

_How much I missed me Nan._

And then the connection he felt with Rae crashed into his mind and stampeded through his soul.

_I saw me Nan's necklace around her neck, the silver chain drawing a line, a connection through all the women of my family._

_She were my family._

_And she left me too. _

The pain of her leaving him as well hit him harder than any physical blow he'd ever received.

Janice held him while he cried for a long while. When her brother came out of the bar he paused, looked over at the only other patron in the bar, and felt glad he'd fallen asleep over his pint like he always did. He nodded up at the clock, drawing Janice's attention to the time, 10am; customers would start showing up soon. She nodded imperceptibly and he turned back to the kitchen.

"So you think it's over?" She asked softly.

"Yeah." He felt the weight in his chest, "I think it actually is this time Janice." His chin quivered with grief, "So I guess that's really why I choose this song: it's fucking depressing." He tried to smile, but couldn't, so he turned to his pint and took a large gulp. But he slowly supressed those tears, not wanting to feel this anymore.

But she smiled at him.

"No Finn." She said softly and took his hand in hers. "This song is melancholy, just tragically sad, but for all of the pain in it, there's still hope." She squeezed his hand and he turned his eyes to her, "He says 'lover you should have come over, cos it's not too late' And I think that's why you choose this song. Because you still have hope."

"It burns me." He exhaled painfully.

"Because you don't know how to make that hope into something viable. How to get your hands on it. How to do something. Anything… to fix it." Finn nodded, his tears finally starting to slow down, his face more grown up than it had been the last time she saw him.

"Aye, probably." He said finally, trying to smile. He looked down at the torn pieces of the beer mat. He took a few shaky breaths.

"So what happened between you two?"

"I happened."

"That seems a bit unfair. It usually takes two people to argue."

"I've got no control over me emotions, I don't even understand them. And I can't talk…" He shook his head, frustrated with himself, feeling anger rise in him again.

"You're talking right now."

"Yeah but I can't talk to her!" Janice ignored his outburst.

"This is the second time you've sat in my brother's bar and told me about Rae." She chose her words carefully, "and from what I can see 'it's never over' definitely applies to your feelings for her. So you better learn how to speak to her." She said firmly to his tear-stained face.

Finn looked at her. A strange light in his eyes, a resolution masked by wisps of smoke, yet to take form, yet to solidify. He had an idea. An understanding.

"Alright?" She asked.

"Alright." He agreed.

"When will you head back?"

"Probably tonight. Thanks Janice."

"Anytime Finn."

"I knew it were a good idea to come here." He smiled, sadly, but genuinely. She smiled in return and took a sip of her beer before changing the topic, giving him some space with his emotions.

"You asked me if I found a job yet…" He nodded to indicate he was still wanting to know, and wiped his face dry with the sleeve of his jacket, "No… but I did apply for that job you sent me. Thank you for that, by the way."

"That's fine, you'd be good at it. I hope you get it." He answered, starting to feel like himself for the first time since Rae had first broken up with him, months ago.

"Me too. But if I get it, I won't have anywhere to stay. Which is a bit of a bother."

"Well me dad's always banging on about how he wishes you'd visit again. You can probably rent our spare room until you find a place."

"I'll have a chat with him then. If I get the job of course." She took a large swig of her drink, "How old is Gary?" Her voice was a little higher than usual, and Finn shook his head and laughed.

"He's turning 34 this year."

"I meant to say 'how is old Gary." She laughed awkwardly and Finn pulled an obviously sceptical face at her.

"Oh. Ok." He said sarcastically, "makes sense." He laughed and she belted his arm ineffectually.

"Don't know what you're chuckling about!" She laughed and finished her drink in a big gulp. "Cheeky bugger." He laughed, looked at her and bit his bottom lip, she saw that he had fully realised what he needed to do.

"I'm sorry Janice, but I have to go. I gotta make a phone call. I gotta organise something." He said urgently.

"Sod off then." She said as he hugged her.

"Thanks for the talk." He said appreciatively. "Bye!" He called already half way out the door.

'_Unfinished Sympathy' by Massive Attack_

Chloe opened the door, Archie stood on the doorstep looking pissed off.

"What's happened?"

"They broke up and Finn's in fucking Leeds again."

"Oh no."

"I don't understand them!" Archie marched himself into Chloe's room and threw himself onto her bed. Chloe felt strange inside. On one hand, if she had Finn, she'd never let him go. On the other she loved Rae and knew she had to be hurting now.

"Maybe they're not meant to be?" Her mouth felt like it was filled with cotton

"We have to figure out a way to get them back together!" Archie said resolutely, purposefully ignoring Chloe's comment.

"I don't think we should interfere." She sat down on her bed and tried to get her emotions in order. "I mean, we don't even know why-"

"They devour each other and cannot even digest themselves. It's a Nietzsche quote." He added as if that cleared everything up.

"Ok." Chloe said bewildered. Archie sighed.

"It means that they don't understand, can't take themselves but-"

"Archie, it doesn't matter what it means. We can't interfere." Chloe said, feeling more like herself.

"But we're the best mates, you and me. Don't you want your best mate to be happy?" Archie sat up, his face almost pleading.

"Yeah I really do. But if they've broken up again maybe Finn isn't that happiness?"

"Well I know Rae is that happiness for Finn." Archie said indignantly.

"We don't know that at all. He might have dumped her."

"I don't believe that…" Archie lifted his top lip in disgust at the very thought. "Besides, you've seen them together. They can barely keep their hands off each other."

"God Archie, people having a lot of sex don't mean they're happy!" Chloe exclaimed. Archie stared out the window moodily rather than reply, and Chloe scooted along the bed to sit closer to him. "I'm sorry."

"No. I'm just pissed off Finn's gone again." He took her hand, "you're right, it were a stupid idea."

"I dunno… what'd you have in mind?" She gave in, smiling at his infectious grin.

"Road trip to Leeds? Force them in a room to talk?"

"Oh shit! Has anyone told Chop?" She suddenly remembered.

"Oh that's right, he's gotta meet Finn tomorrow at the Chippy."

"Ok. Well I suggest we wait and see if Finn's a no-show, if he is, we get Chop and Izzy in on the plan." Archie nodded his agreement.

"And the plan is?" He asked.

"Kidnap Rae, road trip to Leeds, lock them in a room together. Like you said."

"Excellent."

_Dear Diary_

_6 days. _

_6 days. _

_We broke up on the 23__rd__ of December 1996._

_The day after we got back from Sutherland._

_Now it's the 28__th__ of December 1996._

_23__rd_

_24__th_

_25__th_

_26__th_

_27__th_

_Today. _

_I have to write the days out or else I hardly notice them pass._

_Time seems to move so slow and so fast. _

_It feels like it's still the 23__rd__. And that time has frozen on that moment of pain. Everything hurts as if it was happening right now. _

_But it feels like it's been decades since I saw him. Since I kissed him. _

_I lie awake at night thinking about how he felt lying in the bed next to me._

_Sometimes I lay his shirt out beside me and smell him on it. _

_I can't believe I'll never feel his arms around me again._

_That I'll never feel his lips on mine._

_That I'll never tell him…_

_Mum thinks I should talk to Kester about Finn. _

_The only good thing to come of it all is that I lost some weight. Maybe if I got real thin, I could make him take me back?_

_No. _

_Don't think about it Rae. Just go for another jog. _

_It helps. _

She opened the door and saw that it was sleeting. She pulled the hood up on her jacket resolutely and closed the door behind her with a bang.

When she ran, her lungs bursting, the blood pumping in her ears, she could almost outrun her emotions.

She didn't know how long she'd been running before a sound pierced her empty mind.

"RAE!" She snapped out of it turned around and saw Finn, his helmet under his arm, his mouth opened ready to call her name again.

"Finn." She said with no emotion; they hadn't caught up with her yet.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Exercise."

"It's sleeting."

"You're out here."

"Looking for you!" His face was a type of frustrated bewilderment that she'd never seen before.

"Why?"

"Cos we've got somewhere to be." He answered self-consciously, "come on." He motioned her towards his bike as he walked the short distance back to it. He took a spare jacket and helmet from under the seat and held them out to her.

"Where have we got to be?" She took the helmet and jacket from him but stood there just holding them.

_Oh no. My emotions were starting to catch up._

_I wanted to cry. _

_I wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him._

_I wanted to slap his stupid face for going to Leeds._

_I wanted to beg him to take me back._

_I wanted to change me clothes and not be wearing what I were wearing right now. _

_But all I could do was stand there looking at him. _

"Just get on the bike Rae." He said as he swung himself onto the bike.

"Why?"

"Just get on the fucking bike!" She put the helmet and jacket on and tried to get on the bike without touching him too much. She took hold of the seat jutting out behind her to steady herself. And Finn drove off carefully.

_It seemed so odd to be on his bike and to not have my arms around his waist, my face near his neck. _

Rae felt tears burning her eyes and tried to blink them back.

A few moments later the bike stopped at a familiar place. Rae looked at Finn confused, as she took off her helmet. But he just took her hand and led her inside.

'_Pick You Up' by Powderfinger_

She walked the familiar corridors, feeling alien to have Finn beside her.

They went past the door to the maternity ward.

Rae thought back to the day Finn had arrived, unannounced at the hospital while she waited for word on her mother.

"How did you know to come for me that day?" She remembered how good it felt to see him when she had so needed him but had been too afraid to ask him for help. The pain of the last week made it a bittersweet memory and she felt a tear creep down her cheek.

"You needed me." He answered simply.

"How did you know where I was?"

"When I went to your place to find you, I saw Karim. He told me you were here."

"Yeah but why was you in Stamford?" She turned to look at him, so close to her but so distant. She wanted to touch him, wanted to reach out and make everything better. She still didn't understand why he had brought her here.

"You called me. So I came." His voice was thick with emotion.

"But I didn't say anything."

"But you were crying."

"I barely made a noise."

"Aye" he smiled, the ghost of his cheekiness played with his lips, "and you do bang on so much you'd be surprised that I still know your voice even when it's silent. But I do." Another tear slid down her cheek and he gently wiped it away.

"You knew it were me when I hung up."

"I knew it were you." He nodded, his voice soft, reassuring.

"You knew just what to say." She looked back at the waiting room and in her mind, she saw them sitting there. Saw him telling her she was strong.

"No but I didn't. I just knew you needed me, so I told you the truth and hoped it were enough." His whole body showed his vulnerability, his fear of what she would say as she turned her eyes to him.

"It was."

He took her hand and Rae felt her heart leap when his fingers closed around hers. He guided her further into the hospital, eventually stopping outside of the most familiar door in the building. She turned her questioning eyes on him and he smiled, embarrassed. He'd been practicing what he'd say to her once they got here. But even so, his mind raced, not knowing where to start.

"Finn?" But her voice slowed everything down. And he was able to pick up the thread of his thoughts, find a place to start.

"Now don't laugh at me, but when I were in Leeds."

"Which time?" A pained expression crossed his face momentarily, but he persisted calmly.

"The first time. I got myself a library card."

"So? I've got one." Rae's confusion was palpable.

"Aye, but I spent a lot of time reading." He looked away nervously, but quickly turned his eyes back to her, determined to continue, "Don't be angry… but I read about mental illness and recovery."

"Why?"

"For you, of course."

"Me?" He nodded, paused, afraid to say what he had to say, in case saying it would make it real to her somehow. If she saw the extent of his failings, maybe she'd never give him another chance.

"I've been letting you down Rae."

"Why would you say that?" Her disbelief made his insides squirm.

"I were so excited about getting in your lady parts, that I did the wrong thing." He saw her face screw up.

_I'm saying it all wrong!_

"It were my choice, I needed to." She asserted.

"We spent 2 weeks making that same choice." He countered, and then quietly, but resolutely; "we should'a talked."

There was a silence as Rae took in what he said.

"I didn't want to at first." Rae said quietly, "it hurt. And then…I didn't know how to say..." She shook her head, not able to find the words.

"Me too." He understood her. He looked downcast, licked his lips and tried to look stronger than he felt, "You need someone that can listen and talk right proper. And that's not me." He said with regret. Rae felt her world spinning out of control. Why did he come here, why did he give her hope, only to take it now?

"No Finn…" She pleaded.

"But I want it to be." He said fervently. Rae took a deep breath and Finn squeezed her hand as he turned to the door and knocked firmly.

"I need to learn how to talk. We need to learn how to talk." He turned his head to her with a wry grin.

Kester opened the door and nodded at Finn, his eyes then turning to Rae, who stared at Finn uncomprehendingly.

"So let's learn." His voice was confident, sure of his choice, but pleading with her to agree. She nodded slowly.

Finn walked in and sat down in one of the chairs Kester had provided for them. Rae took the other and put her hands between her knees to try and steady them.

Kester closed the door and looked at both of them.

"I don't normally do this kind of therapy. But when Finn called, he made some excellent points about support networks and communicative partners in the recovery process. So we'll do a couple of joint sessions like this and see what comes of it." Rae turned to look at Finn, tears pricking her eyes.

"I'm not ready to give up on us Rae." He answered her silent question. She reached out her hand to him and he took it.

As Kester settled back into his chair, his hand folded over his stomach, Rae and Finn let their hands drop and focussed on what he might say.

"I'll start by just making sure that you Rae, are ok with this?" He turned his gaze to her.

"Yeah." She sniffed back tears and nodded, "I want to do it." Kester nodded, satisfied with her response, lit a cigarette and turned to Finn.

"Would you like to start Finn, since you brought us all here?"

"What?" He looked at Kester, terrified, and Rae felt her heart swell with emotion. Kester kept his calm eyes on Finn, and Finn looked to Rae, then to the floor. He wiped his palms on his jeans and bit the inside of his mouth.

_What do I say?_

_What's the right thing to say?_

"Alright." He said as he searched the floor for answers. He licked his lips. "Um… Well." Images of the argument, that flash of pain in her eyes, returned to him, and he turned his face to Rae. "The first thing I want'a say is…" He struggled for the right words. "It were my fault we fought Rae. And I'm sorry."

"Why do you think it was your fault?" Kester kept his face towards Finn, but watched Rae closely from the corner of his eyes.

"I let that pillock get under me skin." Finn answered Kester truthfully, shame colouring his cheeks. He turned to Rae, "and I hurt you cos of it. You did nothing wrong. And I-"

"No it were me." Rae answered quietly, "I should'a just said that Liam was being a twat instead of…" She shrugged, "I dunno… getting angry."

"It's not your fault!" Finn answered adamantly.

"I'm the one who kept banging on about Olivia. I could see it were upsetting you."

Kester's eyebrows furrowed as he listened to them go back and forth blaming themselves, the debate becoming slightly heated, before a thought suddenly occurred to Finn.

"And how were Liam being a twat? What'd he do to you?" Kester watched the frustrated, unsure young man become suddenly enflamed, emboldened, enraged.

He leaned forward in his chair and gently cleared his throat. Rae turned her eyes to him instantly, Finn's lingered on Rae before slowly turning to Kester.

"Let's start again." He said with a repressed smile, "what brings you here Finn?"

"I want Rae." He answered vehemently, his raised pique still not pushed back down. Kester watched the boy struggle with his emotion.

"And what stops you from 'having' Rae?" Kester emphasised the word with mild distaste.

"I dunno." He shook his head, frustrated, "I'm no good at talking. And I always fuck up cos of me emotions." His heart was in his mouth, he didn't like saying stuff like this in front of Rae. Kester considered this for a moment and turned to Rae.

"What do you think is the biggest barrier to your relationship?" He asked her.

"Me being mental." Kester crossed his arms and sucked his teeth for a moment, considering where to take this mess. He tapped his thumb against his arm, drew heavily on his cigarette, and looked closely at first Rae, and then Finn.

"Anything else Rae?" He asked knowingly. She lowered her eyes and pulled at her skirt. Kester kept his eyes on Finn as he waited for what he knew she'd say.

"Cos I'm not…" she stopped, the words choking her. "Cos I'm ugly and-"

"No you're not!" Finn hotly snapped.

"I'm fat." She retorted straight to his face. But instantly her fearless face collapsed into a self-loathing, silent sob. And she looked away, panic starting to rise, her breath starting to shorten. Finn jumped up and knelt in front of her, recognising the panic.

"Put your hands on me." He took her hands and put one over his heart.

Kester watched, astonished, as Rae closed her eyes and focused on Finn's heartbeat. He smiled to himself and let Finn take the lead.

"It's alright." Finn soothed. "We're fine. You're perfect." He whispered to her calmly. It took a few moments for Rae to pull herself back from the panic, but she still couldn't look at him, couldn't see what he'd think of her.

"I'm sorry." She said finally.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Rae." Finn kissed her cheek, and whispered softly, privately "I love your body." He pulled back slightly, looking her in the eye, making sure she had heard him, knew that he meant it. Kester lowered his eyes, and cleared his throat. Finn looked away self-consciously and returned to his seat after making sure Rae was ok.

"I think you underestimate yourself Finn." Kester said once Finn was seated, "I think you both do." Rae looked over to Finn and they shared a hopeful smile.

"I want to return to the argument." Kester said as he pulled his ear and licked his lips in thought, "Finn. What are the three worst things you said in it? The three things you regret saying the most?"

Finn felt his mouth go dry, his mind completely blank. He turned to look at Rae, hoping to see the answers on her face.

"Don't look at Rae." Kester said as he leaned back again and licked his top lip again. Finn turned and looked at the books on the shelves, biting the inside of his mouth, willing his mind to find the answers.

"I um… I said I had to watch what I say around her. That were pretty shite." His eyes flicked over to Rae, his insides writhing with guilt and shame. Her eyes were downcast, her fingers picking at her nails.

"Hmhm." He heard Kester encouraging him and dropped his eyes to the floor.

"I said…" He thought about that flash of pain in her eyes, "I said that she fucked Liam. That it were her fault he cheated on his girlfriend." He sucked his bottom lip and felt tears of shame sting his eyes. He waited for Kester to tell him how terrible that was, what a bad person he was.

"And the third?" Finn looked up at Kester, confused. He saw no judgement, no scorn.

"I said I weren't mental enough to be in her world." Finn blurted out without even realising what he was going to say. He lowered his eyes from Kester's face and studied his shoes.

"Did those things hurt you Rae?" Kester turned to her.

"Yeah." She said softly and Finn felt his chest ache.

"What did he say that hurt you the most?"

"That we was over." Finn's eyes shot up to hers.

"And what are the three things that you regret saying the most to Finn?" Rae kept her eyes on Finn's.

"Like I said, I banged on about Olivia when I could see it were upsetting him. Two." She looked away, ashamed, "I let him think that Liam gets me cos I were angry at him, I didn't tell him what a twat Liam were. And Three, I said that it were a mistake to be together, that I were over it, that we was done." She shook her head, "I really regret that one. I regretted it as soon as I said it." She wiped her face with her sleeve and looked back up at Finn, "I'm sorry."

"And they all hurt you Finn?"

"Aye."

"What did Rae say that hurt you the most?"

"That I couldn't handle her stuff. That I didn't belong in her world."

"You fear that you're not enough?' Kester cut to the heart of him and Finn felt an aching pain wash through him as he nodded his head slowly, trying to stop the tears threatening to stain his cheeks.

"Yeah." He answered softly.

"I think we should discuss that in some one on one sessions, what do you think?" Kester reached over to his table and picked up his appointment book.

"Ok." Finn agreed, even though he obviously hadn't been expecting that.

"Thursdays. After college." He made a note in his book when Finn nodded.

"Why do you think you had this argument?" He asked both of them. They turned to each other and Rae nodded for Finn to answer, he hesitated and turned back to Kester.

"It had been building up I guess."

"When did you first notice it building?"

"When she first broke up with me."

"That was a few months ago?" Kester ascertained and Finn nodded.

"So over those months, all those feelings, that emotion… just stayed inside you?" Kester put his fingers to his own chest to demonstrate the question. Finn nodded again and Kester nodded thoughtfully in return.

"And you Rae, how long had it building for you?"

"Longer. Since we first got together." Kester opened his mouth to reply but Finn turned his face urgently to her.

"Cos you think I'm not enough for you?"

"Cos I think I'm not good enough for you." She replied as if his words were insanity. Kester watched a moment of real understanding pass between them.

"You know," He took the chance to make an important point, "When we argue, we feel angry, sometimes like there's no answer, or no end to the anger. And you may say things or hear things that cause pain. It feels like the bad feelings will never end, that all of our worst thoughts are obviously true. But you two must understand that is temporary. It will pass. And you need to know that you can argue, and it doesn't have to be the end of your relationship." He folded his hands together "especially if you both still want to be in it so much. And you're both still willing to do the work that needs to be done."

'_Fall At Your Feet' by Crowded House_

Rae gingerly laced her fingers around his waist as they settled on to the bike.

_I were home again. _

He placed his hand carefully on hers, his fingers tracing out words on the back of her hand: _my place?_ He felt her nod and started the motorbike. Rae leaned her head against his back and tightened her embrace, making his heart ache for how close he'd come to losing her.

They drove in silence, her head against his back the whole way.

When they pulled up to Finn's house he took her helmet off her.

"Me dad got called in to work. He were right pissed off about it." Finn took her hand and led her inside as he continued to speak, "I think he were right mad at me for going again. But I were always coming back this time." He shrugged.

"Why did you go?"

"I needed to. I got some good friends there."

"Will you go again?" Her voice betrayed her worry. Finn turned to her.

"Maybe… If I need to. But I'll always come back." He stroked her cheek, "might take you with me next time." His hand fell to her shoulder and crept to the nape of her neck, his eyes penetrated hers with an aching, yearning gaze. Slowly, he brought his lips to hers, gently tasting her, but he stopped, a gasp of emotion left his throat and he looked down.

"I thought it were over." He breathed painfully.

"Me too." Her voice laced with raw emotion.

She put her hand up to his face and marvelled to feel tears on his cheeks. She'd only ever seen Finn cry once, and even then he'd repressed it pretty quickly. She kissed him, all her emotion for him, all the visceral aching she'd felt for him translated into her long, slow kiss.

They stood, foreheads touching, Finn stroking Rae's face and hair, Rae's hands on his chest, feeling his heartbeat.

"I missed you." She said through tears, yearning and unexplained words, pain, history.

"I missed you too." His voice mirroring hers.

He took her hand and they went up to his bedroom. Finn closed the door behind them and turned to her, watching the way she took his jacket off and carefully laid it on his desk. He took his shoes off and she followed his example and left them next to his.

"I think I made a mistake Rae. Actually, I know I did." She turned to him, afraid of what he might say, "I tried to make you feel better about yourself, make you not feel self-conscious, by not telling you how much I love your body. It were a mistake." He walked to her and slowly drew her jogging jumper off over her head and let his hands fall down the smooth skin on her arms.

"I should'a told you from day one how much I want you. It's fucking criminal how much I want you. How much I fucking love your body." She saw the ache in his eyes, heard the yen in his voice, "some of the things I want'a do to you are probably criminal too." He said with a wry smile and she felt herself responding to his seriousness.

"I'm not good with words." He took her hand:

_But I'll try_, he traced.

"Is that alright?" She nodded in reply and he looked back down to her hand.

_I love your hands. _He traced the words slowly, making sure she understood them. Then looked up to her face.

"The way they make me skin feel when you touch me. The shape of 'em, the way your nails are always bitten." He whispered after he'd traced the words.

He ran his fingers up her arms:

_I love your arms_

"I love the way they feel around me. The way your elbows are rough and the mole you got right here." His fingers found the raised brown lump and traced around it. Rae felt tears in her eyes. Finn gently took her singlet top off, and then her bra.

_I love your neck._

"It smells like you. Tastes like you." He smiled fondly.

_I love your breasts_, he traced on her chest above her breasts.

"They're very big and very sexy and they were probably the first part of you I noticed, I'm not ashamed to say." He grinned deviously as he let his fingers linger near her nipple, before he knelt down at her feet and then slowly slipped her track pants and underwear off in one movement. After she stepped out of them, he tossed them away and smiled at the sight of her fully naked body. He took his time to look at her stomach, her hands crept up to cover herself, and he gently removed them before tracing

_I love your stomach_ slowly, taking up as much of her upper stomach as he could with his scrawling script.

"It's perfect. And just like your thighs," His fingers brushed her cutting scars and then came back to her stretch marks, "it's got battle scars, remind me how strong y'are; what you've survived." He looked up at her as he kissed just above her navel.

_I love your vagina_. He traced on her lower stomach, and let his fingers wander down to her vulva.

"Because it brings you so much pleasure. And you deserve pleasure." He kissed her vagina and let his hands run firmly across to her hips.

_I love your hips._

"The shape of 'em. Makes me fucking crazy. And the way they feel when we're making love, the way they move…" He ran his hands over their curve and then down to her thighs.

_I love your thighs_ his fingers traced the words on her left thigh, while he caressed her right one.

"You have no idea what they feel like wrapped around me." He grinned, "They are so, so sexy."

He put his arms around her, laying his head on her stomach he traced out words slowly on her bottom.

_I love your arse._

"It is actually the most perfect arse in all of the world." He said seriously, a grin creeping onto his face. She smiled, laughing through her tears. He ran his hands down her legs to her feet:

_I love your feet._

"They're cute, and I like how your second toe on your right foot, is longer than your big toe, but on the left, it's not." He nodded with a big grin. He bit his bottom lip, happiness creeping back into both of them, and stood up, his hands running up her body as he did and put his arms around her, burying his face in her neck, tracing words on her back.

_You are my moonlight._

"My light when it's dark." He whispered.

_My sunshine._

"My warmth when it's cold."

_I love your face._

"It's so beautiful." He took her face between his hands, "You. Are so beautiful. And I should'a told you sooner." He kissed her lips slowly, meaningfully, his hands tangling in her hair, his sense of time fading as he lost himself in her warm embrace.

It were as if she had been huddled at the bottom of an utterly dark pit, hearing the walls cracking in a cacophonic shriek of agony all around her for centuries. And he had come and with a slow careful deliberate tracing of his fingers begun to heal this old pain, these old wounds, lying at the very core of her; shone light upon her. She felt a warm glow throughout her being, felt her skin tingling.

She believed him.

She believed him.

She felt found.

She laced her fingers around his belt and pulled him closer, her hands starting to undress him.

"We don't have'ta." He said softly. "I mean… I think we had sex instead of talking before." He sounded fragile, unsure, aching to be inside her, but not wanting to make the same mistakes.

"Do you not want to?' She asked, uncertain.

"Aye I want to." He breathed in deeply, "I have never wanted someone like I want you Rae." He touched her face, "I've never been attracted to someone as much as I am to you. But I don't just want your body… I want to know you."

"I want both." She agreed, then lowered her eyes in thought, "I need both. Now." She added truthfully as she raised her mouth to his. She kissed him ardently, wrapping her fingers through his hair when she felt him starting to undress himself in response to her. He wrapped his arms firmly around her and laid her carefully down on his bed, his lips never leaving hers.

Slowly, feeling every millimetre of her, he brought his hands up her body to her face.

"You're so beautiful." He murmured as he kissed her lips, his fingers tracing the shape of her face.

Rae felt the weight of him above her, the feel of his thighs against her inner thighs, the hunger in his kisses.

He stopped to study her face, and she reached up to touch his cheek. His skin was smooth with a few light freckles dusting his cheeks and she tried to memorise where every single one was. She noticed the way his eyes moved from her eyes, to her lips, and the shuddering, gasping inhale that left his parted lips as he slowly slid inside of her. She felt his stomach contract as he thrust to be deep, felt him move inside of her.

His breath on her face.

His fingers in her hair.

That unfathomable look in his eyes.

He kissed her and she tasted his sweet lips as if for the first time.

"It feels like the first time." She whispered as he caressed her cheeks, her eyelids, her forehead with soft, slow kisses.

"It is." His voice was barely audible, but the emotion was raw and inflamed, honest.

And she understood. It was the first time that they had both been fully present and in the moment. It was the first time they'd both been unafraid. It was the first time that their need for each other was greater than their want.

He kissed her neck sending shivers down her spine and she smelled him, tasted his salt, felt the muscles of his back working under her fingers as she ran her hands up his back to hold him closer to her. He was inside of her but she ached for him to be closer. Whether he sensed her need, shared it, or both, she didn't know, but he slipped his arms under her to pull her into an embrace. She clung to him and kissed his mouth with the same longing she felt from him; closer, closer.

Always closer.

When the heat in her lower belly started to smoulder and erupt like a slow burning volcano, her kisses grew more heated, but she did not pull her lips from his as she moaned, her body shivering with hot delight. She came, groaning her orgasm into his mouth as she pulled him closer. He groaned as he felt her body tremble and felt her hot breath shudder against his face, her lips quivering with pleasure as her tongue slipped over his. Before she had finished groaned he felt the electricity in his body ignite, felt a powerful shuddering rock through his innards as emptied himself deep inside of her, his lips never leaving hers.

They lay, embracing, kissing, him still inside of her for a long time.

Closer.

Want to be closer.

Need to be closer.

"I'll never be ok without you." He whispered, "I'm not gonna let you go this time girl."

'_Lovesong' – The Cure_

He flipped 2 eggs out of the pan and onto her plate expertly before plopping the remaining 4 eggs on his own plate. He sat down and poured tomato sauce all over his eggs, Rae watching him with a fond smile.

"You're such a boy." He raised his eyes to hers.

"Aye." He answered affectionately. His eyes dropped to her plate as she dipped a bit of toast in her yolk and put it to her mouth. He ate a big mouthful of eggs and took a big sup of coke, watching her from the corner of his eye. She ate half a piece of bread, dipped into one yolk and then started to push the food around on her plate. He kept eating, giving himself time to make sure that he was seeing right.

After a few minutes of surreptitiously watching her not eating he put his own fork down and watched her outright. He took a sip of his drink and put the cup down loudly so she'd look up.

Rae looked up from her plate and saw his eyes burning into her, his lips pursed.

"I noticed that your stomach is smaller." He kept his eyes on her steadily, "And your thighs." He added, his heart starting to speed up. He worried what she'd think and feel, but he had to say something.

"Yeah? It's good innit?" Rae smiled, oddly pleased.

"Not really." He let his eyes drop meaningfully to her plate and then stared at her face again.

"I've just been exercising a lot."

"Oh." He answered in a monotone. "Exercise is good. If you want to exercise, fine. I'll come with you. It'll be fun."

"Sure." She answered and made a show of eating some egg white.

"You need to eat Rae."

"I am eating."

"But not enough."

"Girls eat less than boys! I told you that already." She retorted defensively.

"You eat less than Chloe and Izzy." He countered, "I been watching."

"Yeah well, that's cos they're smaller than me, they can afford to eat more." She said quietly. Finn reached across the table and put his hand over hers.

"Rae. You have to eat enough food for your body. Please." His final word was filled with emotion and a pleading she'd never seen from him.

"But I were doing so well. Wouldn't you prefer it if I looked like one of them girls on tv or in magazines."

"No. I like that you don't look like a girl in a Playboy. It's good that you don't."

She lowered her eyes and looked at her food.

"If I could just lose some more off me belly?" She almost whispered.

"I don't just like you in bits and pieces Rae. I like all of you." She looked up at him, repentantly, "Especially your belly." He said meaningfully. "And please don't lose any size of your thighs, I like getting me head crushed between 'em when you cum." He added cheekily, licking his top lip suggestively.

"You dirty bugger." She admonished with a pretence at offended sensibilities. He smiled, but was not finished saying what had to be said, so his face quickly became serious again.

"If you're hungry, eat. Until you're full up. Don't ever worry that I'll stop loving your body." He held her gaze, waiting to see acceptance in her eyes before he'd let this topic go.

"What if I end up weighing a thousand stone, would you still love it then?"

"Aye!" He said in all seriousness, "A thousand stone or 10 stone. I'll love your body."

"How?" She snapped in disbelief.

"Because it's yours. Because it's you." He let go of her hand and picked up his fork, "So like I said, you want to do exercise: fine, as long as you don't do too much. You want to change your diet: fine, as long as you eat enough food. And we both know you're not doing that right now." He ate some eggs and waited for her to do the same.

"I am pretty hungry." She said after a while of looking at them. He raised his eyebrows meaningfully in response. She dipped the toast in the other yolk and scooped it into her mouth and Finn broke out into a satisfied smile. He subtly took some deep breaths, calming himself after how nervous that conversation had made; how terrifying he'd found it. He watched her eat with wonderment; he had talked to her. He had deliberately set out to talk to her about something that had been deeply troubling him, and it had been ok. He raised his fork to his mouth and saw that his hands were shaking.

He ate and watched her finish everything on her plate and then turn her eyes to his empty plate.

"Still hungry?" He asked with an enchanted grin.

"A little." She said, embarrassed.

"I'll make you some more eggs."

"No don't worry about it." She answered, not wanting to put him out.

"I'm making myself some more, might as well throw some in for you."

'_Cannonball' by The Breeders_

"I'll give him a right bloody bollocking I will." Chop was grumbling to Archie when Chloe walked in to the Chippy.

"Lads." She sat down with an appraising look, "Izzy?" She asked Chop.

"Says she'll be back tomorrow in the morning."

"Right, so we'll get Rae and go to Leeds tomorrow?" Chloe ascertained.

"Do we have his address?" Chop turned to Archie.

"No, we'll have to go ask his dad."

"Right, let's go now." Chloe started to stand up.

"Right, so what's the plan?" Chop stopped her.

"We get Rae, we take her to Leeds, we lock them in a room, they sort it out."

Chop looked at Chloe with his face screwed up in concentration.

"What if it don't work?"

"Of course it'll work." Archie sounded offended that Chop would doubt the plan.

"Yeah, but what if it don't?" He insisted.

"Then we…" Chloe's eyes searched the Chip shop for an answer, "do an intervention." She said finally.

"Like with the tomato sauce bottle?"

"Yeah." Chloe went with it, "and we'll make them talk it out."

"But what if they don't want to?"

"Chop!" Archie admonished, "It's Finn and it's Rae!"

"We have to do something." Chloe backed Archie up, she was determined to see them back together; guilt over the incident in Sutherland was driving her to ensure that Rae would have maximum happiness. With Finn.

"There's not a lot I wouldn't do for our Rae Rae." Chop agreed. "And Finn does deserve a boot up his arse for not showing up yester, and for letting Rae get away in the first place."

"So we'll get the address now, and drive up to Leeds tomo-"

"No fuck that!" Chop said angrily, "let's go up today. I'm right pissed off at Finn!"

_We kissed, for possibly a whole week, in the shower._

_I never wanted it to stop. _

_I could have had his hands on my body, his skin against mine forever._

_But after a while me fingers started to prune up and I knew it were time to get out of the shower. _

_I kept thinking of the way he'd talked to me when we was eating lunch._

_It felt nice not being hungry._

_But I couldn't quite believe that he'd always love my body no matter what._

_1000 stone – not a chance! _

They went downstairs, Finn carrying a bundle of their clothes, Rae still drying herself, to put the television and snuggle in for some afternoon viewing before Finn's dad got home for dinner.

Finn watched her drying her hair, her body jiggling and wiggling in time to the motion of her arms and he felt delicious contentment until his eye focused on her bare chest. Where her necklace used to be. He knew why she'd taken it off, but he didn't like to see her without it and he made a mental note to address this. Finn tossed the clothes on the coffee table and ruffled through them. He found his boxers and pulled them on, keeping his eyes turned to Rae, who was still carefully drying her hair.

"Keep jiggling like that Miss Earl and I won't ever let you put clothes back on." He said saucily and she shot him a narrow-eyed glare. He raised his eyebrows suggestively and sauntered over to her, his fingers reaching out to touch her.

There was a knock at the door and they both turned to look at it. Rae quickly wrapped the towel around herself and looked at Finn with wide eyes, silently pleading with him not to answer.

The door knocked again.

"I'll just get rid of whoever it is." He said to her worried face.

He opened the door a crack to see Archie standing there, Chop and Chloe behind him.

"Oh." Archie sounded disappointed. "Hey!" And then happier.

"The fuck you doing here?" Chop asked angrily.

"It's my house." Finn said utterly confused and very self-conscious to be in just his boxers.

"You're s'pose to be in fucking Leeds!"

"I was. But now I'm not."

"Right, and you just forgot to meet me at the fucking Chip shop?" Chop pushed past Archie, "The fuck Finn, people are worried 'bout you."

"I'm sorry?" He was still bewildered.

"Sorry? Are you fucking sorry about breaking our Rae Rae's heart. You deserve a boot up your arse for that."

"Alright?" Finn asked Chop, "It's fine."

"No, but it's not fine!" Chloe pushed past Archie on the other side, "What about when you told me that you wanted to be with her for a long time. She's me best mate Finn. I don't want to see her hurting like she is." She straightened up, feigning the confidence she didn't feel, "so we're taking you to Rae's house right now. And you have to sort this all out."

"But-"

"No!" Chloe stopped him, "No questions."

"No arguments!" Chop backed her.

"No." Finn replied, trying to contain his growing laughter.

"Finn," Archie sounded pained, "are you alright?" But Finn couldn't think of the right answer to this question, so he just opened the door fully to reveal Rae, in nothing but a towel, her wet hair falling in tussled locks down her bare shoulders.

There was an awkward silence.

"Hi guys." Rae said self-consciously, holding her towel in a death-grip and wondering how long it was in the front and how much of her legs they could see.

"Hi." Chloe said amazed.

"Yeah, hi." Archie blinked.

"Well when the fuck did this happen?" Chop asked, still piqued.

"This morning." Finn was so bemused it was hard to hide as he tried to put on a serious face.

"Well fucking good." Chop stepped back from the door, "make sure this shite don't happen again!"

"Alright." Finn laughed self-consciously, "um… can you guys go now?"

"Yep." Archie nodded once and turned away. Chloe smiled in at Rae and followed suit.

"Love you lad." Chop tapped Finn's face, "love you Raemundo." He nodded in her direction and left.

"Job well done guys; I think we can call that a success." Archie said as he opened his car door.

Finn closed the door behind them and turned to Rae.

"The fuck?" He asked starting to laugh, Rae shook her head in disbelief.

"I don't think we'll be allowed to break up, even if we wanted to."

"Aye it works for me!" He took her into his arms and stripped the towel off her, "pity to lose it," he said as he dropped it, "you look good in a towel." He kissed her and firmly held her to him.

"Now what crap tv do you want'a watch?"

They started watching a re-run of the latest 'Cracker' episode, Finn's fingers drawing circles on her arm, his arm hung lazily over her shoulders.

But his mind kept wandering back to Liam, pressed against Rae, her spine against that tree. He'd only seen it for a second before he'd grabbed Liam. But it was scorched into his brain.

That guy. That guy.

Saying he took her virginity.

Saying she was like him.

Pressed against his girl.

Rae noticed Finn's body tensing, his fingers no longer drawing on her arm.

"What is it?" She asked softly.

"What were you and Liam doing?" He asked without looking at her.

"I don't really want'a talk about it."

"Yeah but you and me not talking don't end well do it?" He said as he turned to her, his hands moving to his lap, fidgeting, pulling at the skin around his nails.

"I didn't say I wouldn't." She added with a mild 'chill out' tone that put Finn even further on edge.

"Why were he touching you?" The words fell from his mouth suddenly.

Rae looked off, not wanting to think about the things he'd said to her.

_Does he let you take your clothes off? _

_Does he lie and tell you that you're beautiful?_

She felt the walls in her pit starting to close in on her again and she turned away from Finn.

"I didn't want him to." Rae answered.

"So he did it without your permission?" Finn asked, his temper threatening to explode when he saw the small nod of her head.

"He were trying to get me to go out with him again. I told him I were with you. And he didn't like it." Rae continued, thinking about the way his hand had felt over her mouth. The things he'd said.

_Does he know what you're like when you binge eat Rae? _

_Does he know how fucked up you really are? _

_How you scratch your skin? _

_Does he know what's going on in your head, like I do? _

_Nah Rae he's just guessing. _

"And, I guess he said some pretty fucked up things to me." She kept going, wanting to be honest with Finn, but not wanting to repeat anything Liam had said. "And we argued. And then you came."

Finn lowered his eyes, wanting to ask her if he'd been her first, but hating himself for wanting to ask it. He bit his bottom lip.

"Did he hurt you?" He asked after a long pause.

"I hurt myself backing into the tree when I was trying to get away." She gave him a wan smile, "He did scare me but. And he did… hurt me feelings… got under me skin a little." She looked at his thoughtful face, "A lot." She corrected.

"Got under mine too."

"He's good at that." She agreed sadly.

"Why are you friends with him."

"I guess…" She sighed, not sure what she was going to say, "I guess us mental people have to stick together."

"Right." Finn said softly, the pain clear in his voice.

"And he's not all bad. At least he didn't used to be." She shrugged, "I'm not sure if I am friends with him anymore." Finn found that this calmed him a little.

"Did you tell him to stop touching you?" Finn felt that familiar anger eating at him.

"I did. Yeah."

"Right." He gritted his teeth.

"Don't Finn." Rae saw his anger, "he's not well." She touched his arm, "he's like me."

"No he's not like you!" Finn snapped. Rae didn't know what to say to that.

"Stop being a dickhead!" She said, remembering his words to her in the disabled toilet. He turned his eyes to her.

"I'm not being dickhead." He answered, his anger a calm simmering cauldron, "I'm gonna smash that fucker. No one. No one Rae, touches my girl."

"Finn…?" Rae was worried about this mood.

"Without her permission." He added softer but no less dangerously.

"Finn?" She repeated and there was something in her tone something that made his anger haze clear and he saw… was that fear on her face?

"Rae." He said softly, horrified at the look in her eyes, "I'm sorry."

"No it's fine." She answered a little stiffly. And in that moment he saw himself clearly.

"I think I got a problem with me temper." He said through numb lips, his mind feeling as if he were unwrapping his own innards.

"No." Rae shook her head, "No, Liam gets under people's skin." She soothed. He looked down at his knuckles at the still healing skin. He thought of putting is fist through Elsa's wall. That hadn't been Liam.

"Aye he does. But when it comes to you Rae… I lose a bit of control sometimes." He said, suddenly scared for her. He was just now realising how dangerous it was for her to be around him."

"You mean like that guy in the pub?" Finn thought back to head butting that guy and how good it felt to see his blood and teeth on the floor.

"What if I did that to you?" He said suddenly terrified his hand going to her face and stroking her cheek protectively.

"You never would." There was no trace of doubt in her voice.

"But you was scared a minute ago."

"I were scared for Liam, not me." She took his hand, "Mostly I'm scared for you. The fuzz'll end up locking you up, if you don't watch it." He bit the inside of his mouth.

"I have done some stupid things." He answered, "when I were right pissed off."

"I think we all have." She smiled. Finn was unconvinced and Rae could see that, "do you want'a talk to Kester about it?" She proffered and Finn nodded, relieved.

"That's a good idea."

"Maybe you do stupid things cos you don't know what to do with your feelings, like me." Rae said as she stroked his hair. Finn was comforted by that idea.

"We're more alike than we think?" He asked with a genuine grin.

"I hope so." Rae answered comforted by his words. "That'd be nice." He nodded in agreement and they settled back down into the lounge, arm in arm, to watch tv.

'_Lover You Should Have Come Over' by Jeff Buckley_

Finn was sleeping peacefully, his head leaning on Rae's shoulder, when Gary got home. Finn didn't stir but Rae, still awake turned her face to see Gary as he stopped at the door looking in at them.

He paused, looked down for a moment, took a breath, and then looked back up at Rae, smiling, he nodded his head.

" 'Evening Rae." He said softly.

"Hi." She returned and Finn stirred, put his arm around her stomach and pulled her closer, murmuring her name, clear enough for both of them to hear it.

Gary's eyes strayed to his son and then back to Rae.

"Staying," he paused meaningfully, "for dinner?" he added carefully.

"If you don't mind?" Finn stirred again, holding her even tighter, turning his face up to her neck and breathing deeply.

"I'd love for you to stay, Rachel." He answered, "for dinner." He added as an obvious afterthought. Finn murmured something and his hand crawled up from her waist to her breast and he groaned happily. Rae felt her face going red and Gary averted his eyes.

"Right!" He said loudly, Finn snapping awake, "I'll just go cook!" He winked at Rae conspiratorially, and then left the room.

"Hi." He smiled and kissed Rae in a sleepy haze, "what's the time?"

"I dunno, but your dad's cooking dinner."

They sat at the kitchen table as Gary cooked and talked about his day at work.

After dinner, Finn handed her the spare keys to the car and she drove them, the long way, back to her place.

It was a bittersweet goodnight kiss that was only broken by Karim brushing the car accidentally as he came home from work.

Rae climbed up the stairs to her room, her fingers caressing the hem of Finn's jacket. She sat on her bed and smelled the jacket deeply. It smelled of him.

Finn quietly climbed in the window behind her and watched her smell the jacket with a wistful smile on his face.

And then Rae cried. Sobs wracked her body and Finn's facial expression turned from one of joy to one of alarmed worry.

"Rae?" He said softly as he crossed the room to her, she looked up alarmed, not expecting anyone in the room. He sat down on her bed, putting his hands on her arms.

"Don't you ever leave me!" She cried at him, tears streaming from her eyes.

"I won't!" He said taking her into his arms, horrified by how violently her sobs shook through her body. "Alright girl, I won't." He felt her arms around his waist, holding tightly, felt her tears damp against his skin.

He laid down with her in his arms and stroked her hair while she cried.

He didn't fully understand why she cried, but he understood her need. He understood her emotion. He kissed the top of her head as she held onto him, her knuckles white, and cried.

"I'm sorry." She said after a long time, "It's been a very hard week for me." She said, her voice still wavering with emotion.

"For me too." He reassured her and moved to be closer to her as she sat up taking deep breaths.

"See, doing stupid shite cos I can't handle me emotions." She laughed shakily and he looked adoringly at her as she grabbed some tissues and wiped her eyes and nose.

"This wasn't stupid."

"Um… telling you that you can never leave me is pretty stupid!" She said embarrassed.

"Rae," He took her hand and looked gently moved her face to be looking at. "It'll never be over between us." He answered with stark honesty. He looked over at the plastic box of his things, and nodded to it. "Can you pass me that?" Rae leant over and picked up the plastic box, fresh tears gently rolling down her cheeks. He opened the box and took out the black jewellery box. He opened the box and looked down at his Nan's diamond.

"I don't know what'll happen in the future Rae. But I know that my Nan told me to give this diamond to someone special. And that will always be you. No matter what happens. Even if you get bored of me and dump me," a ghost of a smile flitted across his face when he saw her vehemently shake her head, "I don't want you to take this off again ok? No matter what. This belongs to you. You'll always be my first love." He leaned over and placed the necklace around her throat, Rae's hand went up to it as soon as she felt the weight of it on her chest. She kissed him, slow, but with deep need and urgency.

"Alright?" He asked about the necklace

"Alright." She answered breathlessly. "For someone who don't talk Finn, you do have a way with words."

"Huh." He laughed nervously, "I spend half me time terrified I'll say the wrong thing."

"Why?" She asked bewildered.

"I don't want to lose you Rae."

"Ok. Well let's just agree that we won't break up with each other over saying stupid shite."

"Agreed." He smiled relieved, his eyes going from her eyes to her mouth and back up. He bit the inside of his mouth and looked to the window he knew he had to climb out of.

"Rae?" He asked vulnerably, "Can I stay tonight, I don't want'a sleep alone." He lowered his eyes, "We don't have to do anything, I just want'a hold you." He felt hopelessly exposed and scared of what she'd think and say.

"I was just about to ask you to stay."

'_You Better Get A Lawyer Son' by The Cruel Sea_

Linda opened the front door, ready to check the mail. She paused, her hand on the door handle, her eyes scanning the length of that black car. Something akin to rage overcame her entire being. She turned from the door, slamming it behind her loudly. She stormed past Karim, holding Aiesha, up the stairs to Rae's room, she slammed open the door.

"FINN NELSON!" She yelled at the top of her lungs. Rae and Finn started awake, Rae grabbing the blankets.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAUGHTER'S BED!" She yelled. Finn held out his hands to placate her, but she was having none of it, he started to back out of the bed.

"Linda…" He tried to say.

"DON'T YOU LINDA ME!" Her voice hit a strikingly high pitched shriek and Finn backed away, grabbing the pillow to cover his groin. Aiesha started to bellow downstairs and Finn stumbled back further away from an enraged Linda.

"DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST DISAPPEAR FOR A WEEK THEN WALTZ BACK IN HERE AND GET INTO MY DAUGHTER'S BED?"

"No." Finn answered, terrified. "I-"

"WELL I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU!" She pointed at him, "YOU ARE NOT SEEING RAE AGAIN!"

"MUM!"

The sound of Aiesha's crying got closer as Karim came up the stairs.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU HURT HER? THE NIGHTS I SPENT CRADLING MY LITTLE GIRL? AND YOU JUST SHOW UP AGAIN AS YOU PLEASE?"

"I'm sorry." He pleaded backing into Rae's desk, knocking books and pens to the floor.

"Linda." Karim's voice was soft and controlled, "Aiesha?" He rocked the baby so that she could see and Linda, obviously wanting to say more, clenched her mouth shut and just glared at Finn. Karim soothed the baby expertly as Linda bore her eyes into Finn's soul. And Rae tried to get her wits back.

"Mum!" Rae finally said in shock.

"Don't you mum me." Linda turned her eyes to Rae, "we both know what he put you through, and if you want to forget it so easily you can, but I won't." She stormed out of the room. Karim looked at them both, compassion in his eyes.

"Stay breakfast." It wasn't a request and Finn knew it. He nodded obediently. And walked back to Rae's bed, his hands shaking, the pillow firmly held to his groin.

"Thanks." He said softly. Karim nodded.

"Kester ok?" He asked.

"Yeah, thanks for giving me his number." Finn answered with heartfelt gratitude. Rae looked from Finn to Karim. Karim nodded, smiled lovingly at Rae and left the room, Aiesha calming down in his protective arms.

"You called here to get Kester's number?" Rae asked as Karim headed down the stairs.

"Lucky Karim answered!" Finn answered seriously. "Bloody hell. Your mum. Force to be reckoned with." He collapsed onto her bed laughing shakily.

"AND DON'T YOU DARE HAVE SEX AGAIN!" Linda suddenly yelled up the stairs at them. They pulled a face at each other and Rae started giggling silently.

"Oi, what're you laughing at?" Finn joked. "I just nearly died! Killed at the hand of your mother!" But Rae kept laughing.

"Want a quickie?" She asked eventually, through her chuckles.

"No!" He jumped off her bed and found his pants, "I'm going downstairs before your mum kills me."

Finn sat down at the table, Rae following and sitting at the opposite side to her mother. Finn gently scooted his chair to be closer to Rae and Linda narrowed her eyes at him. Karim put Aiesha in her cot and continued to make breakfast.

"I'm bloody ropable at you." Linda seethed.

"I am sorry." Finn answered softly, keeping his eyes on the table.

"Not you, you bloody bastard, I'm furious at you Finn." Finn looked up to see Linda looking at Rae.

"How could you just forgive him so easily? You deserve better." Linda asked

"Mum, it weren't his fault." Rae's exasperation was punctuated by the sound of Karim scraping the spatula in the frying pan.

"It was my fault." Finn countered and turned his eyes to Linda, "I won't do it again."

"You won't do it again? What won't you do again? Break her heart? Make her cry for 6 days straight? Well I've got news for you, you're a boy, there's no doubt in my mind that you will do it again."

"Mum it's my choice!"

"And it's my choice to not let him under this roof again!" Karim walked over to the table, and started dishing up food, a worried look in his eyes.

"Mum!"

"I don't understand why you would choose to trust him again! Why would you take him back?"

"It… know…" Karim sighed in frustration, "Jamais il n'a été que l'amour ne connaît pas sa propre profondeur jusqu'à l'heure de la separation." He said and turned his eyes to Rae.

"You're catching on with French quicker than me." Linda retorted when Rae turned her eyes to her.

"Um… well something about separation, and um… strength." Rae struggled. Karim pointed at Rae and Finn, and moved his hands apart, signifying a separation

"Love. Uh… know how strong." He tried again.

"Don't know how strong it is until it's separated?' Finn guessed.

"Yes!" Karim beamed at him. Linda glared moodily at Karim for a moment and sucked her teeth, shaking her head. She looked down at her plate to see it piled high with bacon, fried tomato, mushrooms and eggs.

"Karim, this is real bacon, we can't have this it's halal!"

"Haram." He corrected with a smile and then shook his head, shrugged and pointed at the bacon as if to brush of her concerns. But Rae noticed that when he sat down to eat his food, there was no bacon on his plate. They ate in silence for a while, Finn uncharacteristically picking at his food rather than practically inhaling it. Linda glared at Finn as she ate, her face murderous. Eventually Finn put his fork down uncomfortably and turned his eyes to her, a slight air of determination in his movements as he cocked his chin slightly.

"Mrs Bushtat, I care about Rae, I like being with her."

"What is it that you like about her?" Linda snapped. "Why Rae?"

Finn opened his mouth to respond but Karim put a hand on Linda's arm and spoke softly.

"Et l'amour ne vient pas quand nous le voulons, mais vient comme un cerf errant quand il le veut."

All eyes turned to Rae again she sighed and tried to dredge up the French lesson she'd had 3 years ago.

"Um… love…" She shook her head and tried to pick up any word that would help her, "happens…"

"When want." Karim tried to help her. Then pointed at his own chest, "Not when want."

"It happens when it wants to, not when we want it to?" Rae asked and Karim nodded happily, he turned to Linda and put his hand to her face gently.

"Just do." He said meaningfully, his eyes filled with love. He shrugged and Linda felt a smile creeping across her face.

"You're perfect." She muttered at him with a mix of begrudging happiness.

"Something about a deer?" Rae asked, confused, as she continued to think about translating Karim's French. Karim nodded. "Ok." She shook her head indicating that she'd probably never understand exactly what he had said. Aiesha started to fuss and Linda went over to the crib. Karim turned to Rae and Finn, he looked first at Rae and then at Finn.

"Be good." And then he pointed to both of them, his finger moving back and forth between them, "each other." And then he turned to help Linda. Finn picked up his fork and started to eat properly.

"And we can't afford to keep that car Finn." Linda said as she prepared Aiesha for a feed.

"I'll pay for it."

"How?" She turned to him, Aiesha already suckling and Finn averted his eyes as subtly as he could.

"I'll quit smoking."

"You must smoke a lot. Petrol, registration, tyres, mechanic…"

"I can do the mechanics." He shrugged. "I'll get a job if I have'ta." Linda pursed her lips in thought.

"You should be focussing on school." She looked over to Karim and back at Finn, "I'll pay half of the cost." She made peace with him and he nodded solemnly.

"Thank you."

"I could get a job." Rae put in and Linda narrowed her eyes at Rae.

"You'll be focussing on your grades and going to university. You'll be the first one from our family to go to university." She smiled proudly.

A kind of truce settled over the house and Finn was allowed to go back up to Rae's bedroom after breakfast. They showered together.

"I don't think I've even been in that much trouble." Finn marvelled as he wet down his hair and started shampooing it.

"What about Stacey's mum?"

"Aye she kicked me out, but I weren't terrified of her."

"Well don't mess with me mum." Rae shrugged. Finn laughed, still slightly shaken.

"I think I were most scared that she really would try'ta stop me from seeing you." He stopped his movements for a moment and caught her eye.

"That'll never happen." Rae reassured him, "I'd whinge so much she'd give in in an hour." He grinned and kissed her, shampoo streaking down his face.

"Ugh!' She laughed as shampoo hit her tongue, "get off!" He kept kissing her, using his face to rub the shampoo into hers while she squealed in laughter.

_This week has been unbelievable._

_6 days without him that felt like 6 hundred years. And now he were back._

_It wasn't like it was before. He was different somehow._

_I mean he was talking more. We was talking more. _

_But there was something else. _

_I can't put me finger on it._

_He just seems more serious? Or determined maybe?_

_But he's always been sorta serious. This were different though. _

_That look of his that he gets in his eyes that I can't understand, he looks at me like that a lot more now. Almost all the time. _

_It makes me nervous, but in a good way. _

_I feel different too. _

_I feel like… _

_I feel like I've turned a page in a book somehow._

_Things were different, but nothing had changed._

_I can't explain it._

They all sat silently around the big bag of chips Finn had bought. Everyone's eyes were on Finn. He sipped coke self-consciously and waited for someone to say something.

"No more going to Leeds!" Izzy voiced what they were all thinking. Rae smiled appreciatively at Izzy.

"Unless I'm visiting friends." Finn tried to counter.

"Nope." Chop snapped, "you heard what she said."

"No more Leeds." Archie said with a pained tone. Finn turned his eyes to his mate.

"I'm sorry Arch."

"You should be." Archie answered curtly.

"I just had to get away for a bit."

"Yeah but you don't get to run away all the time!" Chloe said. And those words, coming from her, after what they had seen her go through on their last night in Sutherland made Finn's insides crunch in. She couldn't run from it; it was always with her.

"You're right Chlo." He answered gravely. He looked at them all, "I am sorry. It won't happen again. Promise."

A loud hooting from a bunch of guys near the door made them look up, it was Elsa walking in, her jeans clinging to her big hips and arse, a long sleaved crop top snugging her large breasts, her leather jacket, thrown over her shoulder hanging from a single finger, swinging in rhythm to her swaying hips, helmet under her other arm. The perfect hourglass shape of her large body was on glorious display.

"Good lord!" Archie said.

"Who's that?" Chop asked. Izzy elbowed him and he turned to her with a half-guilty grin. "I didn't mean it like that!"

"That's Elsa." Rae grinned. She couldn't believe that someone so fat could be so attractive. Every time she looked at Elsa, it made her think that maybe one day she might wear fire-engine red lipstick and tight pants that showed everyone how big her arse was, and not care what people thought. She was just so confident, and sex seemed to just ooze of her. Rae screwed up her eyes, how did some women do that? She wanted to be sexy and seductive and to make Finn beg for her.

"Look at the size of that fucking arse!" One of the loud guys jumped up to follow her to the counter. He raised his hand to slap it and she turned to him.

"Touch me and you'll pull back a stump." She said with a venomous smile. His hand hung in mid-air for a moment before he let it drop to his side.

"Come on pet. Big girl like you must want some cock." Rae felt her insides churn as she thought about what had happened to her at the pub.

"Should we help her?" Izzy asked.

"She'll be fine." Finn answered knowingly.

"Oh please." Elsa dismissed him, she looked around the Chippy, taking in everyone and turned to him as one of his mates came to back him up, "I could have every single person in this room. Even the straight girls. On the long list of cock I could ride and pussy I could eat in this room, you are so far down on that list you make the ants look giant."

Finn started to chuckle, the rest of the gang taking a moment to catch up from their shock, before they laughed too.

"You fat bitch." His mate said.

"Yeah. I am." She pronounced her words clear as day, proudly, "I am a. Fat. Bitch. And one your cock will never be inside of."

"I feel so inspired." Rae said softly as she stared at Elsa in wonder. Finn put his arm around her and tugged her hair gently so she looked at him momentarily before looking back at Elsa.

"Like I'd wanna." The second man snarked. Elsa laughed seductively and turned to him, a finger stroking down his cheek. She put her face close to his, her eyes alight with passion.

"You know I just realised how right you are. I am fat… I really should be thankful for guys like you, willing to throw a dog a bone."

Rae's face dropped but Finn shook his head. Elsa stepped even closer to the guy, not quite touching, but close enough for him to feel the heat of her skin.

"And I think you should ride this big arse of mine. Could you just imagine grabbing these hips." Her body moved almost rhythmically as she made her words caress him. "Your fingers digging into my soft flesh?" She licked her top lip slowly, suggestively, "you wanna smack this?" Her hand ran over her arse and the guy smiled and nodded lustily looking at her rump.

"That's more like it!" He said. She chuckled throatily. And both guys moved closer.

"Neither of you will ever touch me." She said in that same deeply seductive voice, her smile sexually triumphant. She turned away and looked at the menu hanging over the counter. The cook was still flipping burgers and hadn't noticed a thing, but several of the patrons were watching on. Rae dropped her jaw in admiration.

"Bloody hell." Izzy admired.

"She'll get herself in trouble like that." Chloe fretted.

"You fucking slag!" The first guy said. She held her hand up in a stop signal.

"We're done." She dismissed them. Without looking at them again.

The cook came up to the counter.

"Can I help you?" He asked, completely unaware of what had just transpired. The two guys backed off reluctantly and Elsa laughed as they did, waving goodbye with her fingertips mockingly. One of them flipped her the bird and she shook her head, obviously pitying how pathetic they were. She placed her order and waited by the counter as the cook turned to cook it.

"I just gotta go talk to Elsa." Finn jumped up and went over to her. Rae watched for a moment and then turned to the gang;

"Guys go easy on Finn, ok?" It were as much my fault."

"Oh bollocks!" Archie responded.

"Hey." Finn said as he approached her.

"Finn." She answered without looking at him.

"S'pose you get that a lot looking the way you do?" He nodded towards the creeps, his tone of voice appreciative.

"You wouldn't believe it." She intimated turning her eyes to him with a wry grin.

"Aye, leave off." He smiled at his own expense. She smiled fondly and turned to him.

"So how can I help you today Finn."

"I just wanted to let you know that I'll be coming back to college."

"Good." She answered genuinely.

"I look forward to you being me teacher soon." He nodded humbly.

"I already am your teacher Finn. Just not your typical one."

"That's true." He admitted, "and the hole in your wall, when can I come and fix it?" She thought for a moment.

"First Wednesday after school?"

"I'll be there." He nodded. "You're something special Elsa. Thanks for everything." He added awkwardly.

"I know. And you're most welcome." She turned back to the counter and Finn lowered his eyes thoughtfully and returned to the gang.

"Just telling her I'd be back in college. I kinda told her might not be coming back." He said to their inquiring faces.

"When?" Archie asked.

"Oh." Finn hesitated. He turned to Rae, "when we argued, I went to Elsa's place after." He saw her scrunch her face up, clearly wondering why, "I ended up punching a hole in her wall. I have to fix it." He added.

"Fucking what?' Chop asked laughing. Finn held up his hands, the slight scabs still visible on the knuckles.

"I were pissed off. I knew where she lived cos I saw her bike." He tried to explain. "I were a fucking mess. She helped." He finished. He thought about whether he should tell Rae everything that had happened but guilt hit his stomach so hard that he decided to stay quiet about it for now.

"So what are we doing for New Year's?" Izzy changed the topic.

"Wait, aren't we s'posed to be making Finn feel like shite?" Chop asked.

"Already done it." Finn answered grumpily.

"Not nearly enough."

"Arch?' Finn's voice exposed how hurt he was by Archie's words.

"That's twice Finn. Twice you've left without even telling me, your best mate. The first time, I'd just come out."

"Yeah but you had the rest of the gang."

"You know Simmy belted me the other day?"

"Fucking what?" Chop stood up aggressively.

"I needed me best mate." Archie continued.

"I'll smash Simmy!" Chop fumed as Izzy coaxed him to sit back down.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea." Finn felt terrible.

"No you didn't!" Archie replied.

"I should have." Finn replied simply, accepting his guilt. "It won't happen again Archer, I'm sorry." Archie paused, still angry, but eventually nodded.

"Alright." He said begrudgingly. Finn jumped up and gave him a hug. "Leave off!" He joked as Finn sat down in his lap.

"New year's now?" Izzy asked hopefully.

"Well whatever it is. We're doing it, all six of us together, right?" Finn asked, still in Archie's lap. This was met with general agreement.

"I'm thinking London?" Chop said excitedly.

"How would we accommodation in London so late?" Chloe dismissed the idea.

"Well, me uncle's got an apartment in Kensington." Chop said, "He don't like visitors-"

"Well that's gonna work out fine then!" Rae laughed.

"He's in hospital! When I was in Sutherland for Chrissie, he gave me his keys, asked me to water his hibiscus while he were in hospital getting his hip done, won't be home till the 3rd."

"What's a fucking hibiscus?" Finn asked.

"It's a plant." Archie answered.

"What d'you say, the 6 of us head to London for New Year's?"

'_Hanky Panky' by Madonna_

Janice carried the last box into the lounge room.

Most of her things were still in her house in Leeds. She owned that house and hadn't decided what to do with it yet.

Her and Gary had agreed that she would rent his spare room for an unreasonably low cost, but she just couldn't argue with a man who had such a cheeky grin. She had kept protesting that he needed to charge her more, but those dimples would flash and he'd shake his head shyly. Or was it slyly?

"Those Nelson men." She sighed to herself. She remembered that the first time she'd met Finn she had intended to take him home for the night, but had instead ended up talking about Rae all night.

She'd met Gary when she'd helped Finn move his stuff back to Stamford. He'd done it before he'd even talked to Rae about the possibility of them rekindling their relationship, so she hadn't had the chance to meet Rae yet.

Gary carried in the set of drawers she had brought and left them next to the boxes.

"Right well, we'll just have to get Finn to help us take all these upstairs."

"I can do it." Janice proffered.

"No. No. Miss Harcourt, I'll get me son to do it." That dimpled smile, "He's upstairs with Rae at the moment." Janice could hear music wafting through the ceiling from upstairs, "Might be a while," He continued awkwardly, "Would you like a brew?"

"Yes thank you, and you can call me Janice, you're letting me live in your home."

"Oh it's your home too, now." He bit his bottom lip and grinned, "Janice." He added. She sat at the kitchen table and watched him put the kettle on to boil. Her eyes dropped to his arse as he turned to the sink and she admonished herself. She hated that kind of thing, guys were always looking at her. Gary didn't look at her the way other men did. It was nice. He was different somehow. Like how he remembered her last name even though it was only said once in passing when she introduced herself to him. Like how she never once saw him leering at her breasts or arse, but had caught a slight sly glance here and there that let her know that he wasn't gay.

There was a loud crashing noise from upstairs and Janice looked up at the ceiling. Gary cleared his throat awkwardly as dust started to gently fall from the ceiling. There was a loud 'OH' from upstairs followed by uproarious laughter and another bang. Gary brought over the milk and sugar to the table.

"They might be a while." He repeated as the sound of multiple things hitting the floor upstairs was heard.

Finn swept everything off his table and turned to Rae, frantically kissing her. They'd been listening to music, slowly making out when Rae had moved to get more comfortable and fallen off the bed. They had both started laughing, and as he helped her up she kissed him passionately, they had spun around in a tight embrace and banged into his wardrobe, knocking an assortment of sporting paraphernalia, trophies, old books and games off the top, the corner of a trophy hitting Finn on the head. They'd kicked and stumbled their way through the junk, Finn tripping and they both nearly went over, Rae crying out loudly with mirth. They laughed and kissed frenetically, travelling across the room until they bumped into the table, papers and pens tumbling to the floor, more giggles more kissing.

Now she sat on the edge of the table, her bare legs wrapped around his waist as he slid inside of her, still laughing and stumbling over all the things on his floor. He took hold of her hips and they fucked, hard and fast, the table ramming hard into the wall with loud reverberating thuds every time he thrust into her.

Janice's eyes looked upward as the thudding noise started and Gary sat opposite her with his lips in a tight straight line as he poured the tea. 'OH MY GOD' came a female voice from upstairs. They heard a male voice, encouraging, joyous, but the words were not clear.

"This Earl Grey?" Janice asked as more dust fell from the ceiling.

"Ah yes." Gary answered and cleared his throat.

"My favourite."

"I think he forgot you were moving in this morning." Gary explained as another loud bang reverberated through the house followed by 'FUCK' a male voice in a bit of pain. Then loud laughter, the rhythmic banging never stopping.

"Well I did intend for it to originally be this afternoon. Changing plans can be difficult for teenagers I suppose." She smiled as reassuringly as she could. 'DON'T STOP FINN!'

Janice cleared her throat this time. And looked up at Gary, blushing furiously, his eyes downcast. The urge to laugh rose in her throat and she pushed it down.

"You know, you raised a fine son." Gary started to laugh and Janice couldn't help but join him.

"Oh yes." Gary said as the banging intensified and a loud moaning could be heard. 'YES. YES! THAT FEEL GOOD? YEAH?!' a male voice. "As evidenced." They both started to laugh hard. 'FUCKING HELL FINN!' The moaning again.

"I mean it." Janice said once she got her laughing under control. "He's very compassionate and respectful." She tried to stop herself from laughing but couldn't. Gary joined in, both of them nearly crying with laughter, "He's really kind." Janice said through her laughter.

"Yeah I've done a bang up job!" Gary said doubling over with laughter. Eventually they managed to settle down, still giggling Janice tried to continue comforting Gary's embarrassment.

"You know he is a good lad."

"I know."

"He's got great taste in music."

"Ah," Gary said delighted, "well I taught him everything he knows." The very obvious sound of a woman in orgasm rocked through the house.

"Everything?" Janice asked and they started laughing again. The thudding stopped and there was a much louder bang, another 'OH' and the rhythm started up again, just not as loudly. They looked at each other.

"He'll be a while, want to look at my record collection?"

They had tumbled to the floor together, still kissing frantically, still laughing, still fucking. When Finn came, he did so with an uncharacteristically loud, triumphant cry, laughter still on his lips.

"You're fucking brilliant!" He panted loudly and gave a loud woot, both of them erupting into raucous giggles. He leaned down to her, "Look at your sexy mouth." He said as he kissed her consummately. He rolled to be lying next to her on the floor and she pulled a stapler out from under her.

"Ow." She pouted and he chuckled, kissing her again. They lay there panting, their limbs tangled looking at the ceiling. Finn glanced over and saw his alarm clock, upside down on the floor. He reached over Rae and picked it up.

"Oh shit, Janice'll be here in about 30 minute." He raised his eyebrows, "cutting it a bit fine!" He grinned cheekily.

"So who's Janice?"

"Oh right!" He'd asked Rae to come around and meet Janice, but they'd started making out instead and he'd gotten lost in her kisses. "I met her in Leeds. We did a lot of talking about you."

"Me?"

"Aye." He started to gather clothes, "I just banged on about you all the time. She'd always say the right thing to get me emotions going you know? I actually punched the fence outside her brother's pub about a hundred times. Made me realise that I had to come back. I was missing you too much."

"You gotta stop punching stuff." Rae said lightly.

"Aye." Finn said with gravitas, "I do. I think you're right though."

"Really? Aren't I always right?"

"Well you know sometimes." He teased.

"Oh right?" She laughed

"Yeah sometimes you're dead wrong."

"What was I right about this time?" She ignored his last statement.

"I don't know what to do with me feelings, so I do stupid shit."

"Kester told me that you gotta learn to sooth yourself. Like you was talking to yourself but as a child." Rae said trying to be helpful. Finn sat quietly for a bit thinking.

"I'll give it a go." He said honestly. "Unless there's some right mug hurting you, then I'll cave his skull in."

"Alright." She shook her head at him with a big grin on her face. A moment passed between them, where they looked into each other's eyes and a sense of emotional urgency seeped through their veins. Rae felt her lips twitching, wanting to say so much to him.

"There's still so much left to say." Finn whispered unexpectedly.

"We got time." Rae touched his face and he kissed her palm, reaching out to stroke her hair.

"Yeah." He felt the happiest he'd felt all week, because he knew she was right. His eyes fell to the necklace resting on her chest and smiled; they had lots of time.

"What?" She asked; he had that unfathomable look in his eyes again.

"You make that necklace look more beautiful than it is." He kissed her lips passionately, as if he were in desperate need. And then took her face between his hands and studied her face. "You're so beautiful Miss Earl. Have I told you how lucky I am to have you?"

"No I don't think you have." His intense gaze made her feel breathless.

"If won a million quid in the lotto but didn't have you, I'd count myself as real unlucky." She smiled, "if I were a cat that fell a hundred floors and still landed on me feet alright, but I didn't have you, I'd count myself very unlucky." Rae bit her bottom lip and smiled happily as he spoke, "if I were to get a contract playing with the English football team, but I didn't have you, I'd think I were right unlucky." He kissed her forehead and stroked her hair gently.

"You make me feel like…" he paused, smiling wistfully, unable to find the words, his blinking slowed down as he took her in.

"You make me feel."

Finn came down the stairs jauntily, humming a tune to himself and when he came around the corner to look into the lounge room, boxes everywhere, Janice and his dad sitting together looking at albums he froze, his mouth opened in mortification.

"Oh my fucking god." He breathed, "What the fuck are you both doing here? How long have you been here? Oh my god!" His face turned crimson as Janice and Gary struggled to keep a straight face. Rae walked in behind him, saw them and her eyes opened wide.

"How long have they been here?" She mumbled to Finn as Finn continued to stare in horror at his Dad and Janice.

"Long enough to know that you must be Rae." Janice said holding her hand out to shake. Rae accepted the hand, still wide eyed and scarlet. "It is so good to finally meet you."

"Hi." Rae said awkwardly.

"How much did you hear?" Finn asked still alarmed.

"Finn!" Rae hissed softly.

"About as much as the neighbours three streets away." Gary answered with a straight face.

"Oh fuck." Rae breathed almost silently.

"Yes." Janice answered equally as straight faced, "Yes exactly."

"I think this calls for a bevvy." Gary went to the kitchen and came back with 4 beers. "Shall we have a toast?"

"Yes." Janice said with sparkling eyes, "a toast to getting to know you." She paused, her smile radiant, "quite well." She held up her bottle. Rae started to giggle, Janice cracked and laughed. Gary kept a straight face for an admirably long time before he couldn't help but laugh at his son's horrified face.

"Alright!" Finn said after they'd laughed so hard and long that Janice and Rae could barely breathe. "Jesus christ." He shook his head, a grin starting to appear.

"Let's get these boxes upstairs!" Gary handed his beer to Janice and Finn gave his to Rae.

"Right." Finn grabbed a box and headed upstairs. Janice turned to Rae and motioned for her to come sit on the lounge together.

"So you met in Leeds?" Rae asked, intensely curious about Finn's time there.

"Oh yes!" Rae noticed how proper Janice spoke, and how tiny she was. She had the most beautiful face, framed by soft curls in the most delicious caramel blond colour Rae had ever see.

_I wanted that hair colour, and the softness and shine of her hair._

_And her eyes were like these giant blue crystals._

_She were so beautiful it hurt to look at her._

_Why does Finn always have beautiful girls around him?_

_And she's so small. Like half me size, and two thirds me height. _

_But I had noticed something that put a stone in the bottom of me tummy: she had the exact figure that Elsa had. _

_Big boobs. Big hips. Tiny, tiny waist. _

_Elsa might be twice the size of Janice, but she was just as beautiful, and it were because of that shape._

_I didn't have that shape._

Rae felt the sense of inspiration that Elsa had given her, the feeling that one day she might wear those tight pants and red lipstick, she felt it all seep away from her, like colour being leeched out of material, leaving it a washed out grey.

_I'll always just be a blob with a gob. _

"He came in every night, and drank pints and tore the beer mats into tiny little pieces. He spent every night alone, looking very dejected." Janice smiled, "So I decided I'd cheer him up."

"He can be a grumpy sod can't he?" Rae joked.

"I don't know if he was grumpy. More miserable." Janice watched the way Rae lowered her eyes, "he was missing you. And I didn't find out till I went over to try and get him to have a roll in the hay with me. But I didn't stand a chance against his memories of you!" She laughed merrily.

"God, why would he choose me over you?" Rae didn't even realise she'd said the words out loud, and instantly felt herself blushing. She looked away and sucked her top lip.

"Oh Rae, no!" Janice took her hand. "Why would you say that?"

"You're so beautiful." Rae said softly wishing she were a thousand miles away.

"Do you know, the first night I met Finn, I fell in love with you?" Rae turned her confused face to Janice. "We spent the whole night talking about you. How could I not fall in love with you when I was hearing all about you from his perspective? Seeing you through the eyes of someone who loves you so very much?"

"I must be pretty disappointing to meet in real life." Rae joked, oddly pleased, but not knowing what to say.

"But you are as beautiful as he described you."

"Alright." Rae still didn't know how to say.

"I'm sorry, I tend to gush over female beauty, I'm a painter, amongst other things, and the female form is often the subject of paintings."

"Not my form though!" Rae joked.

"No, definitely your form." Janice disagreed. Finn came back in the room and picked up a box, pausing to listen.

"Why would anyone paint me?"

"Are you serious? Do you not see your own beauty?" She stood up shaking her head, "I know someone who is far more gifted then me that'll convince you." She went over to her boxes, found one of them marked 'books' and opened it.

"Here we go, Peter Paul Rubens." She handed the book to Rae, Finn came over to see as Rae opened it.

"They're all fat." Rae marvelled as she looked at the women.

"And beautiful, do you see?" Janice's eyes were alight with her passion for art.

"But one guy painting a bunch a fat girls, don't mean nought." Rae turned the pages nonetheless.

"No, not one," Janice smiled, "historically, art has favoured a larger woman, the earliest figurative art, up to 40, 000 years old, is of larger women. Many painters have chosen to paint women of a larger size because their bodies are like glorious poetry on the canvas." Janice's eyes turned up to Rae's face as she turned the pages. "There's so many artists both contemporary and old masters that would love to have an art model like you; Renoir, Titian" Janice got on a roll and started to list artists off on her fingers, "Baldung, Lucian Freud, Botticelli, Bordon, Clarke, Rankin, Corinth, Donghi, Vecchio, Botero, Courbet, Picasso, Walter, Furini, Strozzi, Molenaer, Polance, Pascin, Rembrandt, Picot-"

"Alright!" Rae stopped her.

"But I haven't even finished the western world, and there's a whole big planet of art out there. I mean the continent of Africa has such wonderful artists and images of larger woman!" She sighed wistfully, "There's something so satisfying about committing the curves of a large woman to any medium." Finn leaned on the back of the lounge and reached over Rae's shoulder to turn a page of the book, Rae looked back at his smiling face, he had a strange look in his eye.

"I just got the job curating the local community centre art gallery, it's a little smaller than I'm accustomed to, but the local talent is fresh and raw, and I'm very excited. I often run adult art classes, and I'm hoping to get them going here in Stamford. Rae," Janice paused, obviously nervous, "could you model for me? If I get enough people to do a live drawing or preferably painting class?"

"No way!" Rae answered horrified looking down at the naked women in Rubens' paintings.

"It wouldn't be nude." Janice assured her.

"I'd take that class." Finn backed Janice, "I'd like to try and draw you." Rae turned her shocked eyes from Janice to Finn.

"You know Finn, I think to do Rae's form true justice, we'd need to use oil paints."

"Oil paints?" He asked uncertainly.

"I could teach you."

_I didn't hear the rest of the discussion._

_All I could hear was Liam's words._

'_we're no oil paintings'_

_That's what he'd said._

_But here were dozens, no hundreds of oil paintings, of fat girls. _

_And that were just one artist. _

_Oh shit. I think I just agreed to do this._

_Fuck._

'_Lightening Crashes' by Live_

"Thanks for letting me do this Rae." Izzy said as she ran the measuring tape from Rae's hip down to the floor.

"S'ok." Rae tried to sound more comfortable than she was.

"You're so tall!" Izzy laughed, double checking the measurement. "Gonna need more material. And Mrs Wheedon is already annoyed at me."

"Why?"

"Had to get a plus-size sewing mannequin for this." Izzy said with no hint of concern, "apparently the school didn't want to spend the money." Rae felt her face burning, "But I just reminded them that they got a boy mannequin for Chloe's project and they shut up right fast!" Izzy ended on a grin. Rae couldn't help but smile at her happy face.

"You will keep these measurements to yourself, won't you?" Rae asked as Izzy slipped the tape around her hips.

"I have to show Mrs Wheedon, she has to see all my notes. But I'll make sure no one else see them Rae, don't worry. I wouldn't want anyone to see mine!" Izzy jotted down the numbers and then measured Rae's waist.

"Now don't pull it in, ok?" Izzy said as she looked at the number.

"I'm not."

"Good, I want this to fit you perfect. You'll look so nice in what I'm thinking of making you."

"Thanks Izzy." That smile again.

"We'll have to lots of fittings."

"I don't mind." Izzy's hands slipped the tape around her breasts.

"God I wouldn't mind that!" Izzy laughed as she read the measurement.

"They're better in theory than practice, Iz." And she pulled a face.

"What's wrong?"

"Me boobs hurt a bit."

"Probably due for your period." Izzy said as she started measuring Rae's neck and arms.

_Oh fuck._

_When did I last have a period?_

_Oh shit…_

_I'm on the pill, it's fine._

_Oh._

_Oh but I keep forgetting to take 'em properly. _

_I mean honestly, how can they expect you to remember to take one of them every fucking day at the same fucking time? _

_It's fucking ridiculous._

Rae contemplated the stupidity of the pill and how she really couldn't be blamed for forgetting to take one on occasion, her face screwed up in thought.

"I think I got everything." Izzy jotted down the last number and looked happily in the book. "You got a nice figure Rae." She pointed at the numbers, "see?" Rae shook her head.

"Iz, a bunch o' numbers don't mean much to me."

"I really want'a to start on this now." Izzy lamented, "I'm really looking forward to doing it."

"Are you actually excited for school to go back?"

"I suppose." She looked at the clock, "I'm sorry to rush out, but I did promise to meet Chop."

"Oh no, it's fine Izzy, go!" They shared a hug and Izzy grabbed her things, holding the book with Rae's measurements protectively she bolted out the door with a final wave.

_Oh fuck I might be pregnant._

The thought hit Rae suddenly. And hard.

She sat down on her bed and stared at the wall.

She thought about calling Chloe.

_No better make sure first. Then call her._

She grabbed her bag and hurried down the stairs.

_Oh god. I never realised how long the walk to the shops was. _

_I suppose I just go in to the chemist. _

_I imagine that's where you get tests from._

A rising panic starting to well up from her stomach but she refused to acknowledge it.

_It's nothing. I'm just a little late. And Dr Nick did say it might take a while for me cycle to settle down._

_But me cycle has been just fine. _

_Until now._

_No. It's nothing._

_It's fine._

_I'm fine._

Rae walked into the pharmacy and stopped. Her mind blank.

_What am I even looking for?_

_Do they just sell those little sticks that you pee on?_

_How the fuck do you pee on a stick?_

_Oh my god, what if I am pregnant?_

_What the fucking fuck will I do? _

_Oh shit, put your hands on something solid Rae._

_I'm fine_

_I am fine_

_I_

_Am_

_Fine_

Finn hated doing the shopping, but there was literally no arguing with his father, who was in an oddly good but firm mood today. It really was his turn to get some groceries, so he shouldn't complain.

_I wonder what Rae's doing right now?_

_I wonder if she hanging about in that dressing gown o' hers?_

He smiled stupidly as he looked down at the list. It wasn't too long, it'd take him about half an hour.

_Maybe I could go for a quick visit afore I get to it?_

_Maybe she could come with me?_

_Bit of a boring date innit?_

His smile dropped a little and he looked up from the list and stopped walking. And then a huge stupid smile spread out across his face.

"Speak of the devil." He said to himself. Rae was walking, with purpose, into the chemist.

He took a moment to admire her, the way her hair flew out behind her as she hurried, the shape of her legs, her face. He thought of the way she sounded laughing.

Smiling affectionately he followed Rae into the chemist.

_Where'd she go?_

He looked around. He planned to come up behind her and kiss her on the back of the neck.

_There's my tall girl. _

He grinned as he saw the top of her head above the tall shelves.

He walked around the aisle-end, quietly approaching her, and stopped, his smile falling.

'Rae?" She started and turned to him, a guilty, ashamed look on her face, the pregnancy test in her hand. His eyes fell to the test and then snapped back to her face, searching for the truth.

"Finn." She answered softly.

They looked at each other, silently, a sense of foreboding growing between them.

_Say something Finn._

_Just open your fucking mouth._

"Are you…?"

_I can't even say the word._

_Oh god, what if she is?_

_What the fuck will we do?_

"I don't know." She swallowed hard, "I'm late."

_Late?_

_Late?_

Finn dredged up all the things he knew about how this whole thing worked.

"Your period?" He asked failingly. She nodded. He shook his head and looked back at the test. "I thought you were on the pill Rae?"

"I might have forgot to take it a few times."

_She sounds so sad._

_So sorry._

_She's alone and scared._

_Say something Finn._

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Finn!" She was saying, but he went to her and put his arms around her.

"No. Don't be sorry. We'll figure it out, alright?"

_She's shaking. _

_Oh fuck I'm shaking. _

"What do we need to do?" He asked as he held her.

"I gotta do this test." Her voice was muffled by his chest.

"Right." He looked at her, kissed her lips firmly, "Let's go buy it then." She nodded and they walked to the counter. Finn took the test from her and handed it to the cashier. Rae squeezed his hand hard and kept her eyes down when she saw the way the cashier was looking at her.

The cashier looked at the test and clucked judgementally. Finn looked from the cashier to Rae and back.

"What are you looking at her like that for?" Finn asked coldly.

"No reason." She replied and rung up the sale with a smug look of satisfaction. Finn paid, took the bag and leaned over the counter.

"I hope it never happens to you. A simple mistake, or accident, or god forbid, rape. I hope it never happens to you so you don't have to be judged by some smarmy git standing at a fucking checkout." He put his arm around Rae and led her from the chemist.

"Let's go to my place?" Finn asked her gently and she nodded.

15 minutes later Finn was looking at the box and Rae was reading the instructions.

"Right so…" Rae sighed, "I pee on this, "she held up the stick, "we wait 5 minutes, and then we'll know."

Finn bit the inside of his mouth and took the stick. He saw the results window with no markings.

_If we got a line in this little window. We're pregnant._

_Fuck._

_I'm not ready for this._

_Think about Rae, not yourself._

"Ok." He looked at the stick again, "do you need something to pee in, so we can-"

"Yeah if you got a little plastic cup or something?" She sounded brave, almost completely fine. But Finn could see her shaking. He took her hands.

"Rae…" The words stuck in his throat.

_What can I say?_

"What do we do if I am pregnant Finn?" She asked, panicked.

"I'll do whatever you say." He answered, thankful that she had spoken first, he was better at responding to what she said than thinking of what to say.

"What do you want to do with it if I am pregnant?"

_What do I want?_

_What do I want?_

"It don't matter what I want though, do it? You're the one that has to carry it or go through an abortion. This is your choice Rae. I'll do whatever you want."

_I want this to not be happening._

_I'm not ready._

_But it is happening._

The realisation galvanised him and he looked into her eyes as she kept speaking,

"I mean you'd be the dad, it's as much your choice."

"Dad." He said softly and looked away, needing to take a deep breath. "I didn't think I'd have to be thinking about this yet." He shook his head.

"I'm sorry." She lowered her eyes.

"Don't be. It's probably more my fault than yours."

"I missed the pill."

"I should'a been wearing condoms."

"I don't want to use condoms with you." She shook her head, "I like being naked with you. I weren't naked with…" She looked away and fidgeted, biting her lip. "I like being naked with you." She finished softly.

_I weren't her first._

_Liam weren't lying. _

He looked at her beautiful, tear stained face, creased with worry and found that he didn't mind that he wasn't her first. He didn't mind if she'd had a 100 lovers before him; she was his girl now. And that's what mattered.

But he did mind that Liam had ever touched her.

"This is my fault." She shook her head, "I'm sor-"

"Don't apologise Rae. We both did it, it's both out faults. Alright?" He answered firmly. She nodded and sucked her bottom lip. "I'll get you a cup to pee in."

She sat down on the bed next to him and Finn set the alarm to go off in 5 minutes. He tried not to look down at the stick in her hand as he scooted closer to her and laid his hand over her hand holding the stick, he put his forehead on hers.

"Rae," he said softly, "you're me girl, no matter what, alright?"

"Alright." Her voice was higher pitched than normal, frightened.

"And I will do whatever you want or need me to do. I mean that." He thought through all the possibilities of what might happen, "If you want'a be mad at me, for getting you into this mess, and want'a kick me out of your life, I'll go – but I'd prefer it if you didn't do that." He stroked her face, their foreheads still touching, "I'd much rather stay in your life." He said urgently. She nodded and he continued, "If you want'a get an abortion, I'll get the money together, you don't need to worry about that, and I'll come with you to the clinic, look after you after. Or if you want'a put it up for adoption, I'll sign the papers, no questions asked. If you want'a keep it…" He paused, licked his lips and took a deep breath, "I'd be honoured if you'd marry me. Let me take care of both of you."

She sniffed, tears on her cheeks and nodded.

"Yes?" He asked, not sure what she was saying yes to, his heart thumping in his chest. She just nodded again, so he continued. "Whatever you need. I'll do it. Anything for you Rae."

_Tell her you love her._

_No._

_No, don't you dare say it now._

_Don't you dare let her think that you're only saying it cos the shit's royally hit the fan._

_When you say it to her Finn Nelson, you make sure she knows that the only reason you're saying it is because it's true. _

He bit his bottom lip to silence himself.

"Anything you need. You're my world Rae." He whispered. She nodded again and they sat in silence, foreheads touching, him stroking her hair, his other hand on her hand, the stick just right there.

_I'm not used to Rae being so silent._

_It scares me._

The alarm went off and they both looked up, into each other's eyes.

_Tell her you love her, before either of you look at that fucking stick!_

_No Finn! Do it right. _

"You're my world Rae." He repeated, "Anything for you. Alright?"

"Alright." They both took a deep breath, he nodded to her and they turned their heads to the stick.

_There's a line there. _

_I'm a dad._

_Shit._

_Ok._

_Ok._

_Ask her to marry you._

_Wait._

_Wait until you see what she wants to do._

_Oh god, telling me dad's gonna be a delight._

_Oh fuck! Telling Linda… oh shit._

He felt her breathing speed up, heard her starting to cry and embraced her.

_Tell her everything's alright._

_Tell her you'll do whatever she needs._

_Just ask her to marry you._

_Why is she laughing?_

"Rae?" He asked confused as he saw her laughing, tears on her face.

"It's fine!" She laughed emotionally, "it's negative." He scrunched up his face and looked back down at the test.

"But there's a line." She held up 2 fingers to him.

"Two lines for a positive" She explained. "I am so fucking happy!" She leaned over and grabbed his face, kissing him hard. He laughed softly, not sure what he was feeling.

"Well that's a relief." He said faintly.

"You alright?" She asked, worried.

"I guess…"

_Am I alright? What's wrong with me?_

_Didn't I just dodge a fucking bullet?_

"I guess I got myself all ready to be a dad." He shook his head and actually laughed, "I were so sure it were gonna be positive." He felt the tension finally leaving his body, "I am glad that it's ok." He said finally, "I'd much prefer to be doing these tests in a couple of years time!" He felt his body shaking as the last of the nervous tension left him.

"Me too." Rae said and laid down on his bed with a sigh. He leaned over and kissed her.

"I suppose I better start using condoms." He said.

"No." Rae answered firmly, "I'll remember the pill. Get scared like that… I'm not gonna forget it!" She laughed.

"You sure?"

"I like being completely naked with you. I like there being nothing between us." She tried to make him understand how important this was to her. How different, complete opposite, he was to her other sexual experience.

"Alright." He kissed her deeply and they laid together, they bodies entwined, their foreheads touching, saying nothing, just being together.

"So you thought it were positive when you saw that one line?" Rae said after a long while.

"Yeah." He said softly.

"You handled that well." Rae said with a look of admiration.

"I said I'd do whatever you needed, I did mean it."

"So if I'd wanted to keep it."

"I'd be putting a ring on your finger. If you'd let me." He added.

"I don't wanna get married cos I'm pregnant." She sighed, "I'd rather know that…" She looked down, biting her bottom lip, "whoever it is marrying me," she looked back up, "they're doing it cos they love me. And for no other reason."

"I understand." He kissed her slowly, tenderly, "I'll keep that in mind." He whispered before kissing her again.

"December has been…. Quite a month." Rae shook her head, "I'm exhausted."

"Well, it'll be January soon enough." He soothed indulgently. "Big party in London to top it all off!"

"Chop's getting e for New Year's isn't he?"

"Yeah, I think."

"D'you want'a do it?" He shrugged and looked at her lips. "You want another kiss don't you?" He nodded his head in answer to her question.

"Always." He pressed is lips against hers and let himself fall into the timeless land that existed only when their lips met.

Sometime later they heard his dad come home and call up the stairs for Finn. Eventually he got himself up and gathered all the pregnancy test paraphernalia together. "I'll get rid of the evidence." He walked to the door and turned back, "in a bit, I'm gonna have to get some stuff at the shops, you want'a come with or stay here?"

"Can I stay here? Listen to your crap reggae?" He smiled.

"Aye, that you can girl."

'_In The Meantime' by Spacehog_

Rae and Finn were again driving alone, while Chop, Archie, Izzy and Chloe travelled in Archie's car. Rae had been worried about taking her car to London, but Finn had assured her it'd be ok, and she had relented. They were heading to London and it was finally the last day of 1996.

Rae was driving and Finn sat casually, one foot up on the dash, his knee under his elbow, a cigarette dangling from his fingertips, the other hand tracing words on her thighs, crawling higher and higher up.

"Stop it, I'll crash." She didn't take her eyes off the road, except to change gears. Finn had managed to stop panicking every time that happened. He still tensed up though every time. He flicked his butt out the window and turned in earnest to Rae, watching the way she moved as she concentrated on driving.

He thought back to the first time he'd started tracing words on her. They'd been at the pub, it had been noisy, they'd both been early for once, so it had just been the two of them, and they were leaning in to talk, to hear each other, laughing, joking. And he had so desperately wanted to kiss her, to touch her, to taste her, to stroke her skin. And before he knew it his fingers were on her bare arm. She'd looked at him wide eyed and he'd stammered something out about how he and Archie used to have a secret language (true), and they'd trace words on each other (false). She'd smiled and he'd traced out '_want to do it?_'

He hadn't meant have a secret language, but he knew she'd think he did.

He chuckled and she turned her face slightly towards him, keeping her eyes glued to the road.

"What you laughing at?"

"Do you know I only started the secret language thing as an excuse to touch you?" He grinned devilishly and bit his bottom lip. His eyes travelled up and down her body, "god I wanted to touch you so bad!" He laughed. "It were like I was a virgin all the time I were so desperate for you." He looked at her, his fingers tracing along her underwear line, "still am."

"I knew you was lying when you said you traced words on Archie!"

"Archie would'a jumped out his skin if I done that!" They laughed, "I just touched you, I didn't meant'a, just happened, so I made up a story. And you seemed ok with it."

"Of course I was! I wanted you in my vagina!" Finn laughed loudly. "Every time you traced words on my thighs I wanted you to get your hand up higher!" Finn cupped her vagina through her pants.

"Like this?" He leaned over and kissed her neck.

"Stop it!" She laughed. He withdrew his hand sulkily, but let it linger on her thigh.

"I didn't mean have a secret language when I asked you if you wanted to do it." He said with a cheeky grin.

"Finnley!" She admonished.

"I'd been trying to get in your pants for months before we got together." He shook his head, "I just had no idea how to handle you." He raised his hand up her thigh again, "You didn't fall for any o' my charms." He raised his eyebrows.

"I didn't know brooding grumpily in a corner were a charm." She quipped and he grinned.

"It worked afore you." He shrugged, "Not that I were trying afore you. Not really."

"So you're telling me, that you tried to get me?"

"Before your mum's wedding I thought I were maybe 60% there. And I were ready for the hard slog to a hundred."

"Oh really? And then I went and ruined it?"

"Oh aye! Ruined my long, slow seduction. Didn't even get to use my secret weapon proper."

"Ah yeah? What's that?"

"My superior music knowledge." He gave her a teasing smile and she narrowed her eyes at him, trying to still look at the road.

"I wanted to put my fingers higher on your thighs too. Kept creeping slowly higher, waiting for you to tell me to stop." He blushed, "every time I'd inch so slightly higher." He groaned throatily, "and fuck I'd go home and think about it nonstop. You made me crazy." He shook his head, "still do." He grinned as he traced dirty messages on her thighs.

"Well I, for one, am shocked Finnley." She answered haughtily and he groaned again, his fingers tracing higher. She took her eyes off the road and looked at him, "shocked." He watched the side of her face as she drove, leaning further over the gear box, his hand creeping up to her breasts.

"Did you ever catch me looking at 'em?" He asked.

"No actually." She said honestly. He unbuttoned her shirt, her white singlet underneath thwarting his efforts to get at her skin. He groaned and she tried to keep focussed on driving. He leaned up to her neck again to kiss her and accidentally leaned on the gear box, crunching the gears, making the car backfire and splutter.

"Oi!" She snapped halfway between genuine admonishment and laughter.

"I'll behave." He said with exaggerated grumpiness. He leaned back in his chair as he changed the gear back for her. They listened to the radio in happy silence for a while.

"Oi what was that? Turn it up!" Rae suddenly said, urgently. Finn turned the radio up and listened as the music news report continued.

"Oasis are back in the recording studio after a brief spilt earlier this month"

_And everything were right with the world again. _

_Finn and me were together, we was happy again. The gang were all going ok. Me mum was ok, little Aiesha was settling down. And I were ready for college. _

_I felt it in me bones – 1997 were gonna be different. It were gonna be better. _

Rae smiled and looked at Finn from the corner of her eye, he was looking at the radio, a slightly sad look on his face.

"Jeff Buckley." Rae acknowledged the song, "can't argue with Jeff Buckley."

Finn looked up at her with a huge smile, still sad.

"That's exactly what I think."

"I quite like this one though." Rae said, "something about his voice in it."

"You know, I used to listen to this every night at the pub in Leeds." He said softly. Rae stayed silent, not sure what to say, and hoping he'd tell her more about his time in Leeds. After a time of silence she decided that he wasn't going to talk.

"What were it like in Leeds?" She prodded.

"There was no colour." He said softly, "And no taste, like I mean food all tasted like nothing. I were pretty down. I just went to work, and to the pub. And I were always alone at the pub. I didn't have any mates. But the only person I missed were you. I thought…" He paused listening to Buckley's soulful voice raise in heart-wrenching sorrow, "I thought that I'd grow up, that I'd get over you. But the longer I stayed away, the more I realised I weren't nothing without you."

"Is that why you wrote me?"

"Aye." He looked at his hands, "did you miss me?"

"I did. So much. I kinda spiralled downward after you left. I kept saying to myself that you were better off without me. That you left cos you were over me."

"I wanted you to ask me to stay."

"On some level I knew it. But I just couldn't believe it. And I knew that I couldn't… I couldn't be what you wanted."

"But you are what I want."

"But I couldn't get naked."

"I would have waited as long as it took."

"It weren't fair to you." Finn bit the inside of his mouth and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, he saw Rae's white knuckles and knew she was upset.

"I'm gonna say this, even though I know it'll upset you, cos I don't want this to happen again." Rae nodded that she understood, "it were far more unfair for you to make that decision for me." He paused giving her time to digest that, "it were far more unfair and painful for you to end it with me and not tell me why than to make me wait a hundred years to have sex with you. Do you understand?" He paused, watched her suck her bottom lip and nod. "I'm sorry that hurt you, but leaving me, is far worse, than waiting for you, or dealing with your stuff or anything else you can throw at me. And I need you to know that, to understand it, ok? Not being with you is far worse than anything you think you can do to me." He saw the tear on her cheek, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I made a mistake that I won't make again." She said softly. "And you don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry."

"Well we've both fucked up. Me most recently." He smiled wanly.

"S'alright, I forgive you." Finn felt strangely lighter.

"Same." He put his hand on her cheek, grazing her soft skin with the back of his knuckles, "I forgive you."

"Kester'd be proud of us."

"Fuck Kester, I'm proud of us!" They laughed. Finn lit up a cigarette and checked the map. "D'you want me to quit?" He asked as he checked their location.

"No it's fine."

"It's not gross? You know, ashtray mouth?"

"Kissing you could never be gross."

His grin showed that her words alleviated his concern.

"Left up here." He pointed to the road and Rae felt her nerves heighten.

"Can we find a place to pull over and you drive in London proper?"

"Yeah." They drove in silence for a while.

"So you didn't like it in Leeds."

"No. But it were good meeting Janice."

"She's really nice. Odd, but nice."

"I went to Leeds again to see her, not to leave again, I were always coming back. I just wanted to go to the pub again. It were that pub, and banging on to Janice, that helped me realise that I had to come back to Stamford in the first place. I mean…" He paused and gave a sad chuckle, "I knew the minute I left your house I should turn around and go back. But it were that pub that made me do it. So I knew it'd help me figure shit out this time. Good pub. Cheap pints."

"When did you decide to actually move back to Stamford?"

"When you asked me if you was gonna be an annoying big sister. I mean as soon as I saw you in the hospital, I knew I had to come back. But I decided that it were gonna be that night I'd move back, right then, when I told you, you'd be annoying. I just knew I couldn't be away from you one day more."

"You actually moved that night because I'm annoying?"

"Aye." He grinned cheekily, "See how annoying y'are?" He nodded when she threw him a glare, "I had no choice, I had to! After I took you home, I drove back to Leeds on me bike. Luckily Janice were still at the pub, helping her brother out. She put me stuff in her car and I came home. I'll miss that pub."

"Take me to see it?"

"Ok." He nodded. "In couple of weeks maybe?"

"Yeah."

"Pull over here, here's good."

They swapped seats and Rae looked at the map and then up at the digital clock on the dash.

"We're gonna get there before Chop!"

"Well, let's take a detour then. When I were little, me mum and dad would go for drives in the country with me, and we'd play 'left or right'. Basically, every time we got to an intersection, I got to pick left or right, and we'd keep driving, for hours, until I got bored. We'd end up in the strangest places." His voice was sentimental and his smile was melancholy. "Wanna play it Miss Earl?" She nodded thoughtfully.

"So any intersection?"

"Aye."

"What about roundabouts?"

"You have'ta pick which exit before we get on."

"So I'd just say like, 3rd exit?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. Left!"

Four and a half hours later Finn and Rae pulled up to the Kensington apartment.

"Well this is bloody posh." Rae said pulling a face. Finn raised his eyebrows agreeing.

When they walked through the front door, a pile of water was around the base of the hibiscus in the entrance room.

Chop had watered the hibiscus.

After a quick hello to the gang, with a

"The fuck have you been? It takes less than 2 hours to get here?" From Chop,

They traipsed up to their room and collapsed into bed together.

It was 4pm, and they'd have to head out soon to get a great location for New Year's, but they figured they still had time to fool around.

'_Setting Sun' by Chemical Brothers_

The excitement was palpable. Rae looked around the streets. She'd never seen so many people in her life. Goths, punks, Indie kids, sexy ladies, bears all mingled with men in suits, women on brick sized mobile phones and parents strolling around with prams. Rae loved London so far. There were so many people, she thought she should be panicking with the crowds, and how far she was from home, but no one was looking at her, no one cared that she was a fat girl with a fit guy; she'd already seen a semi naked fat girl with a thin guy in black leather underwear, a black mask and a dog lead. Somehow she felt at home here. Finn held her hand, a grin on his face as they weaved through the forming crowds.

The bass was reverberating through their hearts as they headed further into the city.

Chop motioned for them all to gather round before it got too crowded and too loud. He opened his hand and 6 pills sat on his palm.

"Ecstasy kids!" He said, pleased with himself.

Rae and Finn exchanged a glance and each took one. Archie hesitated before picking his up, Chloe took hers and swallowed it instantly. Chop swallowed one and put the other on Izzy's tongue.

"And second serves for later." He produced another 6 pills, each of them pocketing their pills; Finn stowing Rae's as well as his.

"Let's try and stay together motherfuckers!" Chop yelled over the grinding music. Finn smiled and put the small blue pill on Rae's tongue. She returned the favour. They swallowed, kissed and followed Chop into the Brixton Academy, Chop producing the tickets for the bouncer.

The first thing Rae noticed was the floor sloping down towards the stage area, she felt drunk already trying to keep her feet on the crowded dance floor.

The music was deafening and impossible to resist. Rae thought of the rave they'd been too. Finn was dressed the same, white singlet, jeans, whistle. But this time it was so different. He was there with her this time. And she was in her red dress, at his request. What she hadn't told him was that she was wearing no underwear. She knew she didn't have long before the ecstasy hit them. He already had his hands all over her, a satisfied grin on his face. She motioned for him to come closer and whispered her secret into his ear. He froze, then slowly started to dance again as he turned his face to look at her, biting his bottom lip.

"You saucy minx." He said with admiration and desire. She grinned impishly, pleased with the effect it was having on him.

And then the rush hit her. The euphoria, the joy, she felt her temperature rising, and she reached for Finn.

They danced, his hands snaking under skirt, their mouths hungry for each other, their bodies grinding together in time to the music.

Rae raised her hands above her head and threw her body into the music rhythmically, her hair flying around her face. Finn watched her lustily, running his hands from her hips to her breasts, the crowds jostling around them. He pulled her to him, feeling her arse through the smooth material of the dress, knowing it was bare under there.

"You have no idea what you're doing to me." He groaned his fingers feeling like he could feel every cell in her body, pure exhilaration coursing through his veins. Everywhere they touched felt instantly erotic, instantly sensitive. Their lips craved each other, their hands had a major yen for the other's body.

Only this moment existed. Only now, in each other's arms, everything feeling amazing, elation in their lungs, music pumping through their souls.

Rae had never felt such a complete sense of happiness, wonderment, and love for everyone and everything. Especially Finn.

They kissed, Finn muttering beautiful things to her, their hands never stopped touching each other and they danced.

They barely noticed chop and Izzy doing much the same thing a few metres to the left, or Archie, who had found two male companions to dance with, or Chloe drawing a crowd of horny lads.

It seemed like only minutes had passed, Finn in a near insane state of horniness for her near naked body, Rae rapturously gyrating to the music, when the countdown began.

Finn, took his lips off Rae's in surprise.

9

8

They screamed along

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Finn's lips were on hers before she could finish screaming out the words. His hands were under her skirt again.

"You're tryna kill me aren't you?" He moaned throatily in her ear. She felt his fingers slide between her labia, his mouth on her neck.

Rae felt instantly on the verge of orgasm, her whole body was singing with ecstasy and Finn knew it. He pulled her closer, so that no one could see what he was doing and slid his fingers inside of her his thumb stimulating her clitoris, his mouth devouring hers.

She came loudly, in the middle of the Brixton Academy night club, crowds pressing in around her, euphoria making every sensation a thousand times stronger. He tasted his fingers and groaned again.

"Let's go home and fuck." She looked into his eyes, his pupils hugely dilated. She teased him, her hand going down his pants and rubbing his erect cock.

"Let's dance." She tormented him, rubbing herself against him, knowing what she was doing to him.

The music sounded so good, and it felt like they'd be able to dance forever.

Chop crashed into them moments later.

"You seen Arch?" He laughed pointing towards the wall where Archie was leaning, another guy kissing him, his hand in Archie's pants.

"YEAH ARCHIE BOY!" Finn yelled out, unheard over the thudding bass line. Chop, Finn and Izzy cheered Archie on but Rae noticed that she couldn't see Chloe.

"Your pants are undone!" Chop laughed and zipped Finn's fly for him.

"Thanks man!" Finn laughed. Rae looked around, panic starting to rise in her chest.

And then she saw Chloe, a guy roughly pulling her around. She pushed him and tried to keep dancing but he grabbed her hard and started kissing her. Rae started off towards Chloe.

"The fuck?' Finn took a moment to get his head straight enough to follow, Chop and Izzy close behind.

"Get your hands off her!" Rae yelled at him, pulling his hand off Chloe.

"Hey fuck off dyke!" He yelled back, pulling away from Rae and grabbing Chloe hard around the waist.

"Fuck off! She don't want you!" Rae yelled as Finn finally caught up with her.

"No it's fine!" Chloe suddenly said.

"See, it's fine. Now fuck off!"

"Who you telling to fuck off?" Finn asked aggressively, but Chop pulled him back by the belt on his jeans.

"Chlo?" Rae asked, everything was hazy, every light had an infinite amount of cells and moving parts, focussing on her was both intensely easy and insanely hard.

"I'm fine. I want'a fuck!" She laughed.

"She wants to fuck!" Chop cheered, pulling Finn around, "everything's fine!"

"You sure?" Rae yelled over the music. Chloe nodded, and the guy pulled her away by the wrist. Rae watched her leaving, not sure how she felt.

"Oh Shit!" Chop noticed Izzy lost in the crowd and went back to get her. Finn put his arms around her waist.

"What just happened?" He asked in her ear.

"I dunno." She turned back to him, determined to put it out of her mind. The music easily started to creep back into her bones and she felt Finn's hands starting to explore under her skirt again.

The euphoria quickly returned, all thoughts of Chloe completely leaving her mind, her body quickly loosening up again, Finn's intentions once again becoming the most important thing, his hard cock pressing against her through their clothes as they moved together, as one, with the music, his mouth always on her; her lips, her skin, biting the sleeves of her dress to move them aside. She unzipped his pants again, finding his cock hot and throbbing with desire.

"Let's go and fuck." He moaned urgently.

"Let's stay." She teased.

"Alright." He said and he grabbed her arse hard pulling her towards a wall. They pushed through the crowds, Finn's hands never leaving her body. When she banged up against the wall, Finn took no time in lifting one of her legs up and wrapping it around his waist, and in almost the same movement thrusting into her. Rae threw her head back in carnal revelry and saw all the people dancing around her, oblivious or uncaring that she was being fucked against a wall amongst the thousands of them.

Her insides felt alive, each thrust bringing heightened euphoria and a sense of orgasming. Finn was grunting loudly with pleasure, but it could barely be heard; the music pumped louder and louder. He fucked her in time to the driving rhythm until her fingers reached out and touched his fingers. Then they were caught up in how magical every sensation was, and slowed down, focussing on every slight movement of their sex.

She kissed him, her heart swelling with love for him, and focussed on his face. How she could see every pore, every freckle, every molecule of his face.

She felt like she was coming constantly, with every thrust, and her legs were like jelly from the pleasure quaking through her body.

It took Finn a surprisingly long time to cum. He'd felt like he was on the verge of coming from the moment he'd thrust into her. It had been the most blissful, hedonistic experience he'd ever had and when he finally did topple off the cliff into orgasm he could barely keep himself standing the waves of pleasure were so strong.

When he finished, she zipped his pants up for him and they danced again, Finn still keeping his hands all over her, Rae barely noticing the sticky mess dripping down her thighs.

The very first chorus of dawn could be heard when Finn and Rae stumbled through their bedroom door. Finn collapsed on the bed and Rae climbed atop him. In no time he'd unzipped his pants and they rode out the end of their high fucking wildly before collapsing into a deep, sound and exhausted sleep.

'_Violet' by Hole_

Chloe opened her eyes slowly, the brightness made her stomach churn and the dull ache on her head scream. She groaned to herself and slowly sat up. She was alone in the hotel room. The whole room was a mess. She looked down at herself.

Her shirt was torn, her left breast was popped out over the top of her bra, but the right was still in the cup. Her skirt was up around her waist, her underpants across the room, torn.

There was a bite mark on her left breast, bruises on her thighs. And a sticky half-dried mess between her legs.

She stumbled out of the bed, images of the previous night flashing in her mind.

She walked to the window and looked out. A busy London road. She had to get back to Rae; she'd help her clean up. Help her get the morning after pill.

She went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Her hair was a wild mess, her ponytail half pulled out.

She remembered him pulling her hair violently while he fucked her from behind. Remembered egging him on to do it harder. Harder, until it didn't hurt anymore.

She sat on the toilet and cleaned herself as much as she could using the sink, not wanting to shower in case someone came in.

She grabbed some toilet paper and started to wipe the mascara streaks off her face, noticing a slight bruise down the side of her face she sighed. Smoothing out her hair she winced at how sore her scalp was.

"Same shit. Different year." She said to her reflection before she walked out to the bedroom and grabbed her underpants and shoved them in her handbag, fixed her clothes as best she could and headed for the door.

As her fingertips touched it, the door swung open.

"Babe!" The man said as he walked in and grabbed her around the waist. "I just had to go get me mate, he didn't believe that bitches as freaky as you existed." He kissed her neck violently and Chloe went limp, letting him.

"You up for a spit roast?" The second man said, easily in his 40s.

"Alright." Chloe answered her dead, emotionless eyes turned to look at the ceiling as they took hold of her and started pulling at her clothes. She went limp, like a ragdoll, and felt nothing. She felt like she was looking on, impassively, as if what was happening, wasn't happening to her; it wasn't her body they were brutalising. It wasn't her.

'_100%' by Sonic Youth_

Rae scrunched her eyes up at the light.

"It's too bright." She complained as she made tea. Chop, Izzy and Archie sat at the table, Izzy's face on the cool surface. Finn stumbled into the room grumbling and kissed her neck before looking in the fridge.

"My throat is killing me." Archie's voice cracked, still sore from the nights revelries. "It's like there's a hard bit of ice stuck near me vocal chords."

"Might be food." Izzy mumbled from the table top. "Have something to drink, it'll wash it down."

"Nah I've tried that."

"Try food?" Chop asked, he was handling the morning the best.

"That didn't work either." He tried clearing his throat.

"Oh god." Izzy groaned, "maybe it's evil food and it'll be stuck there forever!" She joked, her voice still slightly slurred.

"That'd explain why it's just staying there." Archie went along with the joke.

"Maybe Satan spunked in the back of your throat Archibald." Rae said as she sat down with a brew.

"Clearly." He answered sarcastically.

"Does Satan's spunk work the same way as normal semen?" Izzy asked raising her head from the table.

"Yeah, there's a point. Who's to say there isn't a baby growing in your throat, right now Arch?" Rae asked in a matter of fact tone.

"Yeah but how the fuck did an egg get up there?" Finn joined in as he lit a cigarette.

"Who says Satan's semen needs an egg?"

"Right, time to call an abortion clinic." Izzy giggled, "do you think they'd be ok with getting a devil baby out of a gay man's throat?"

"Double dare 'em." Rae laughed.

"That always work, good thinking." Archie and Chop shook their heads at the girls as they laughed.

"Of course, we just all need to know how did Satan's spunk, get into Archie's throat?" Finn asked, thinking about the guys they'd seen him with last night and gave Archie a meaningful look.

"Sod off." Archie answered with a grin.

"He's Satan." Rae answered, "He's pretty much a fucking wizard. He can do whatever he wants." That started Izzy giggling again.

"Do you know, Devil Spunk would make a good name for a band." Chop suddenly said.

"That's so metal." Archie droned and drank some water.

"But really not." Finn laughed.

"I'm thinking 5 piece classical music band." Rae mused.

"Nah. All girl pop punk band." Chop decided. "Izzy's lead singer."

"Would we be doing gigs in Archie's throat?" She grinned.

"Yeah, huge gigs. With a keytar." Chop laughed and kissed her.

"Keytar?" Archie shook his head disgusted, "glad you can laugh when I feel so shite."

"Do you need a doctor?" Izzy turned her worried eyes to him.

"No. I need to pass out." Archie made a face, "I'm outraged that I feel so shite. My face feels literally like crap."

"Maybe Satan's baby has been born now and he's living in your face?" Izzy joked.

"Do we need to amputate your face Arch?" Rae asked, poking his cheek.

"Yes." Archie said and put his face down on the table

"Oh that's shite…" Rae answered, "Goodbye Archie's face."

"Oh well I'll get a new one." He moaned, "One that Satan's spawn isn't taking an endless shite in."

"Hey, where's Chloe?" Izzy mumbled and looked towards the bedrooms.

"She didn't come back last night." Archie answered. They were sharing a room.

"I shouldn't of let her go off with that guy." Rae groaned with worry.

"It's not your fault, you can't control what she does." Finn soothed.

"Yeah, if she want to go fucking guys, it's her business." Chop kept his eyes on the table, "at least we know she's fine after Sutherland."

"No but she's not Chop." Rae said seriously, "It takes time to get better. There's no magic solution, nothing's easy. You just have to work hard at it."

"I know." He said in a voice that denoted that he actually didn't know.

"Guys, I think she's in trouble again." Rae said gravely, "I used to hurt myself, and I think Chloe… I think Chloe fucks guys in the same way."

"She's doing it to hurt herself?" Izzy muttered.

"Why would she do that?" Archie raised his head off the table.

"I dunno." Rae said, feeling all their eyes on her." I guess you get used to pain and you don't know how to be without it… or everything hurts so much, that this type of pain numbs it all out…"

They were silent, considering what Rae had said.

"So what do we do for our Chlo?" Chop asked.

"I dunno." Rae fretted, "We have to wait for her to get back. Then I'll talk to her… see if she ok."

"What about an intervention?" Chop asked, "like with the tomato sauce bottle?" Rae furrowed her eyebrows and Chop's suggestion with confusion.

"Um… I'll let you know."

'_Bullet With Butterfly Wings' b__y Smashing Pumpkins_

Rae arched her spine, her head thrown back, barely audible gasps escaping her throat as Finn greedily licked her clitoris, groaning in response to her body's cues.

Rae felt herself peaking, she grabbed the pillow and bit into it as she felt her orgasm coming.

There was a timid knock on the door.

Rae felt the ecstasy ebbing. Finn ignored the door and grabbed her arse, tipping her pelvis up to his mouth and kept going.

The door knock again.

"Fuck." Rae panted, and then louder, "who is it?" Finn slipped a finger inside of her and stroked her insides, seeking out the sensitive spots he knew made her cum quickly. She whimpered in response.

"Can I speak to you Rae?" It was Izzy. "It's important." She sounded scared.

"Oh fuck." Rae groaned in frustration and Finn knew it was a lost cause. He sat up, kissed her mouth hard.

"To be continued girl." He said in a low urgent voice. He got up and tried to walk it off, grabbing some pants while Rae quickly dressed and opened the door. Izzy had her hand over her mouth, her face was white and terrified.

"I'm sorry guys, but… Rae can I talk to you?" Finn gave a tight smile but didn't turn to her; the bulge in his pants was too obvious.

"It's fine Iz." He said kindly, only a slight hint of sexual strain in his voice.

"What is it?" Rae hiding her frustration only slightly less well. Izzy took Rae's hand and led her from the room. Rae looked over her shoulder at Finn, who rolled his eyes in frustration as she disappeared from view.

Izzy, her hand firmly over her mouth led Rae up to the shared bathroom, pulled her in and closed the door.

Immediately Rae saw blood in the sink. A lot of blood.

"Izzy?" Rae asked, starting to feel afraid. Izzy took her hand from her mouth and smiled, more a grimace, filled with blood. "Oh my god!" Rae said. Izzy started to cry.

"I don't know what's happening." She whimpered, "Can you look?" She opened her mouth and Rae looked back at the sink. That was a lot of blood, with a bloody toothbrush dropped in amongst it. She turned back to Izzy.

"Maybe it's a cut?" She soothed as she tried to look into Izzy's bloody mouth. "Have some water." Rae grabbed the cup and filled it with water, "spit it out." Izzy did and Rae looked again, "it's your gums, Izzy." Rae said as she moved the angle of Izzy's mouth to get better light. "All of your gums are bleeding."

"I've never had anything like this happen to me before." Izzy's voice was high and horrified. "What do I do?"

"I'll take you to a doctor." Rae answered.

"We can't let Chop know."

"Why?"

"He'll panic." Izzy explained fondly. Rae smiled wanly.

"Alright. Well we're here till the third, so it'll have to be a doctor here." Rae considered, "we can send the boys off to look at sporting sights or something yeah?" Izzy nodded in reply, her lips firmly closed. "We just have to get Chop out of the house without seeing this." Rae looked at the bloody sink then back to Izzy's teary face. "It'll be fine Izzy!"

In the end Chop hadn't been suspicious of Izzy staying in bed, feigning hangover blues. He'd kissed her forehead, told her he loved her, told Rae to look after her and left with the lads.

Finn had been more cluey, asking her what was wrong in an urgent whisper. She hissed back that she'd tell him later.

"That's not the only thing that'll be happening later." He'd reminded her with a dirty grin and headed out the door after Archie and Chop.

Finding a walk-in clinic in London had been harder than expected, but they had prevailed, and were sitting in the waiting room. Izzy's gums had stopped bleeding, but her mouth felt sore and swollen. Rae looked over at her worried face and took her hand, giving her a reassuring smile.

He peered into her mouth.

"You probably need to see a dentist." He mused, shining the light at all parts of her mouth. He took her temperature. "Slightly elevated." He muttered. "It's probably gingivitis." He sat down and folded his hands in front of him on his desk.

"Any other symptoms."

"I been having an ear infection on and off for the past month." She answered. Rae watched the doctor's brow crease and he grabbed his auriscope and had a look in her ears.

"Hmm." He wrote a few notes in the file the clinic had just made for Izzy.

"Any other symptoms Isabella?" She shook her head.

"She been real tired." Rae suddenly said and the doctor turned his eyes to her.

"Are you two… together?" He asked.

"No." Rae laughed it off.

"There's no shame in it."

"We're just mates." Rae responded and the doctor nodded.

"Is there any chance of a sexually transmitted disease?"

"No." Izzy replied defensively.

"Then it's probably Anaemia. A lot of young women have anaemia." He wrote something on a piece of paper for her, "Most women don't think it's serious, but it is. Makes you more susceptible to infections, makes you tired. Get some iron tablets from a chemist, they're over the counter." He handed her the piece of paper with that advice written on it then his eyes fell to a bruise on her arm, he held her arm and ran his thumbs across the bruise.

"How long have you had this?"

"I didn't even know I had it." Izzy looked at the bruise with surprise. The doctor shrugged and smiled winningly.

"We'll run some blood tests, confirm the anaemia. Can I send the results to your regular doctor?"

"Yeah." Izzy replied, clearly relieved.

"How's your stomach been?"

"Fine." Izzy replied. "Although I haven't been as hungry lately." She thought for a moment, "but otherwise fine."

"No pain or anything anywhere?"

"Nope."

"Probably anaemia." He nodded, assured, "take the iron pills!"

"I will!" Izzy smiled

"Thanks Rae." Izzy said happily as they headed to the chemist.

"No problem Izzy. I'm just glad it's nothing serious."

"No but the doctor said it is!"

"Yeah but, it's just iron pills and it's fixed, I mean." Izzy nodded in agreement.

"I'm glad too!" Izzy ran her tongue gingerly over her sore gums.

"You should see a dentist too." Rae reminded her.

"When we get home I will."

"I'm worried about Chloe." Rae suddenly said.

"Me too."

"I hope she's at the apartment when we get back."

But she wasn't.

'_Rid Of Me' by PJ Harvey_

"Please don't be mad at me Rae." Chloe pleaded miserably.

"I'm not mad, I were just worried." Rae answered, "Where were you last night?" Chloe looked away, crossing her arms over her bruised breasts painfully.

"Nowhere."

"With that guy?"

Chloe's eyes glazed over as she tried to remember what had happened over the past 2 days. All of the images were blurry.

"It's like I'm watching a movie Rae."

"What do you mean?"

"A movie that's outta focus, and I can't quite see… anything…" She looked at her hands. Rae watched her face as she struggled to remember what had happened. "I didn't realise so much time had passed. I'm sorry!"

"It's ok Chlo. It's fine." Rae took her hands and Chloe looked down at the floor.

"I don't even know their names." She said softly.

"Whose names?"

"All the guys." She said softly. Her eyes misting over.

"Chloe?"

"It's like I wasn't even there. It weren't my body, you know?" She spoke as if she were far away. Rae felt her stomach churn with fear.

Chloe tried to see what had happened to her. She could feel it written across her whole battered body and deep within her core. But she couldn't remember much.

"Chloe, how'd you get that bruise on your face?" Rae asked, her guilt over letting Chloe go with that guy rising.

"I don't remember." She said as she raised her hand to her face. "I don't remember any of it Rae." Rae watched as tears started to fall down Chloe's face.

"That's ok. Do you remember going out?" Chloe nodded, "and the crowds?" Another nod, "d'you remember Archie kissing that bloke? And the countdown?" Chloe nodded, but less sure. "It's alright, it's all pretty blurry to me too." Rae tried to reassure her, "then there was that guy. He were kinda rough with you?" Chloe shook her head.

"I remember you telling him to fuck off though. Thanks for trying to… I'm sorry I went with him. I'm sorry I brushed you off."

"Don't be sorry Chlo!" Rae shook her head. "But why did you go with him?"

"I dunno. It's like… it's like I was watching myself make the decision. It weren't me."

"But it was you." Rae said worried.

"It's like there's two me's inside of me Rae." Chloe squeezed her hands together painfully. "There's this smart me. Who like, knows that I shouldn't do stuff, and tries to look out for me. And there's this… little girl… who's hurt and broken… and she… does stuff… to make it hurt more. But that ends up making it all numb." Chloe's eyes brimmed over with tears, her body shaking and she started to rock herself back and forth. "She whispers to me Rae. Tells me to do things… and then… things happen to her. She's not me… she's… someone else. It's someone else's body those guys used." She finished tears snaking down her face.

"Chloe, did that guy… did he…?"

"I want her dead Rae." Chloe suddenly said. "I want her dead. I want her gone."

"Who?"

"The broken little girl." Chloe's eyes seemed to be seeing things that weren't there. Images from her memories.

"The girl inside of you?"

"The things she lets men do to her…" Chloe said in disgusted misery.

"To you Chloe, it's happening to you."

"She's not me." Chloe shook her head vehemently. "I wouldn't do that stuff."

"Chloe, I think you're dealing with a lot of…" Rae searched for the right word. "Trauma."

"I'm fine Rae." Her eyes cleared, "just had a little too much fun." She held her shirt high up on her neck, her body closed off, her eyes hard.

"Well maybe we should both be having a little less fun?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Maybe… We should swear off alcohol for like – a week?"

"I was thinking that I should maybe stay away from boys for a little bit." Chloe suddenly said, "But I can't make you do that with me." She said with a sweet smile.

"If you need me to, I will." Rae said, swallowing hard, hoping Chloe would have mercy.

"No. It's fine. But I think… I think you're right Rae. I do need to have a little less fun… I need to stay away from boys for a bit."

"Maybe you could talk to my therapist as well?" Rae added hopefully.

"What about?" Chloe answered with feigned indifference.

"Chlo. You're me best mate. I love you, you know?" Rae said as she pulled Chloe into a hug, "You need to talk about what happened in Ian's house." She said softly as she held Chloe. Chloe went stiff but stayed in Rae's arms.

"Nothing happened Rae."

"Ok." Rae said softly. As she let Chloe go. "Nothing happened. But it still upset you. So… talking might help." Rae grabbed a pen and scrawled Kester's number on one of the paper napkins Chop had provided with their lunch. Chloe looked at the number and then back at Rae.

"How did you know?" Her voice cracked.

"You're me best mate. Plus… screaming at a guy in a pub not to touch you… you know." Rae said with a grim smile. Chloe took the number from Rae.

"I'm sorry." She said softly.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." Rae answered meaningfully.

"I'm sorry I let this happen to myself." Her face screwed up with grief.

"This was not your fault." Rae said firmly. Chloe felt a deep well of pain inside of her bubbling over, fresh tears started to stream down her face. "It wasn't your fault." Rae took the weeping Chloe into her arms again, "it wasn't your fault Chloe. None of it is. It's all him. It's all on him."

The boys waited in the lounge room Izzy standing at the door waiting to see if she was needed. This had been planned by her and Rae in advance. They heard Chloe's sobbing. And shared worried glances.

"She were raped weren't she?" Archie asked faintly. Three sets of male eyes turned up to Izzy.

"It's not for me to say." She answered softly.

"She told that guy not to touch her." Archie persisted.

"It's not for me to say Arch." Izzy answered firmly.

"You know that thing that happened at our pub?" Chop asked, "You know the one where that guy grabbed Rae… I been thinking about that…" Chop furrowed his eyebrows, "Rae's not that kinda girl." He struggled with words. He scratched his face roughly and looked at Finn, "you know? But that guy… he needed belting… cos…" He looked down, "cos we know what he would'a done if our lad Finn weren't there." He shook his head, "does this stuff just… happen to girls?" He looked up at Izzy.

"Yeah." She said softly.

"To you?" He asked urgently.

"Well, I haven't had it that bad… but guys grab me sometimes, and yell stuff at me sometimes." She shrugged. Finn kept his eyes on the door, thinking about what Rae had said about Saul. Chop jumped up off the lounge and put his arms around Izzy.

"I'll fucking kill anyone that touches you. You know that right?"

"It's too late if the damage is already done." Archie said numbly.

They sat in silence, listening to Chloe's sobs filtering through the closed door.

"What can we do, Iz?" Finn asked, his eyes downcast.

"That's not for me to say either. Just have to wait for Chlo to tell us what to do."

"I'm with Finn." Archie got up and started to pace, "I hate doing nothing."

"It's not about how you want though is it?" Izzy countered gently.

'_Stinkfist' by Tool_

Finn paced his room. Rae was locked into family commitments tonight; her mother had insisted since she had spent so much of these holidays away from home. He was seeing her tomorrow; they had therapy with Kester and the house to themselves that night. And he knew they'd catch up on Sunday too, but he missed her now.

And then it was back to college on Monday, and that would slow them down a little. Plus he was anxious about going back.

It was midnight. He was sure that Rae's house would be tightly tucked up in bed. He grabbed his jacket and went downstairs.

"Heading out?" His father said as he went past him, reading in the lounge room.

"Missing Rae."

His father closed his book, a finger keeping the page, and looked astutely at him.

"Are you in love with her?"

"C'mon da!" Finn protested, embarrassed.

"I noticed you gave her my mother's necklace." Finn bit the inside of his mouth and looked away. "When your grandmother gave that to you Finn, she intended for you to give it to your wife." Finn pocketed his hands and shrugged, keeping his eyes on the wall. His father took a sip of his tea. "That necklace belongs in our family."

"I know." Finn answered softly.

"So you think you love her?"

"Dad, I'm not talking to you about this, ok?"

"How long have you been with Rae?" Finn groaned, frustrated. "I'm just wondering how long it took you to decide to give away that necklace."

"Long enough ok?" Finn snapped, "I been with her long enough to know." Gary nodded, satisfied.

"And does she feel the same?" Finn looked at the ceiling, exasperated.

"I dunno. I hope so. I think so." He said defensively.

"And you're sure of this?" Gary saw Finn open his mouth to speak, "don't just answer – think about it."

"I been thinking about this for too long already – I know. Alright?" Finn retorted.

"You're 17 Finn."

"And you were 16 when you knocked up mum!" He answered angrily.

"And I don't want to see you make the same mistake!"

"Thanks dad." Finn answered painfully.

"I don't mean it like that Finn, you know that!" He said firmly, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I just mean that I want you to go to university, have a career!"

"And you think Rae will stop me doing those things?" Finn asked heatedly, "Cos if you do, you're wrong. She makes me want to do 'em."

"I found the pregnancy test." Gary said suddenly, "so it looks to me like that's not true."

"Oh shit." Finn sat down, knowing he wasn't going anywhere soon.

"Is she pregnant?"

"No." Finn answered defiantly.

"What would you have done if she was?"

"Whatever she said." Finn shrugged.

"What if she wanted to keep it?"

"Then that's what would have happened."

"Would you have married her?"

"Aye, if she'd have me."

"I like Rae, Finn. I like her a lot. And I like that she makes you happy. But this has made me worried."

"You were happy with mum weren't you? Till she left? You loved her?"

"I still do love your mother."

"Right. So you can love someone at the age of 16 and that love can last just fine. So what are you worried about?"

"That you'll end up like me." Gary dog-eared the page and put the book down. "It's been 7 years since… she went… And I haven't had another relationship in all that time. It's lonely."

"So find someone else."

"I can't, I've got you to look after."

"Dad I'm fine. I've got Rae."

"And when she leaves?"

"You mean like ma?"

"No." Gary shook his head, "no I don't think she'll leave like your mum did." His lips were drawn in a tight white line. He looked like he wanted to say something, but struggled with the words. Finn saw so much of himself in his father at that moment.

"What happened with mum?" He tried to help.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well you made me talk about Rae. You sit here and you tell me that she'll leave me…? Why would you say that?"

"I dunno. Us Nelson men can be grumpy; hard to live with. We're shit with our emotions." He sighed, "sometimes we don't see what's happening to the people around us." He looked downcast, "just look after her, and look after yourself. You're important to me. And I don't like what happens to you when there's trouble between you two."

"Dad, there's always gonna be trouble between me and Rae, I've come to understand that."

"Why?"

"Cos it's like fire and… and frost… and everything is extreme, nothing is small… and we're both too stubborn. And she makes me crazy. In every way imaginable. And I make her nuts. We're just… passionate." He shrugged. "And that's ok." He finished simply. Gary watched the way his son's face light up as he spoke and knew that Rae was the one for him.

"Alright." He thought for a moment, "now we need to talk contraception."

"No we don't."

"There was a pregnancy test in the rubbish Finn. We need to talk contraception."

"It's fine, we sorted it out."

"I can increase your allowance so you can afford condoms if you need."

"Ok. Fine." Finn said embarrassed.

"You should have just asked in the first place." He muttered.

"Sorry. Can I go?"

"Yeah, sod off then. Don't get caught!" Gary called after him, "I don't need another phone call from Linda."

"What?"

"Your week in Leeds was not fun for me in more than one way." Gary intimated. "Linda is not happy with you. So don't get caught sneaking into her daughter's room."

"Got it."

Finn decided to walk to Rae's; less chance of being heard. He lit a cigarette and hurried a long in the cold January night.

When he finally got there he had managed to put the talk with his father out of his mind. He looked up at the garage roof, ready to scale it yet again. He checked the front door, making sure the lights were out and saw a white envelope on the front stoop.

He walked up to it, curious.

A creamy white envelope, with a hand drawn heart, and a single word on it. His brows furrowed and he picked it up, shoved it in his pocket and started the slightly dangerous ascent to Rae's room.

As he got to the window, he saw her, in singlet and underwear, writing in her diary, the curtains still open, the window resolutely locked against the cold. All he had to do was tap and the smile would break out on her face and she'd jump off the bed and let him in.

But he watched her a moment longer, the look in her eyes as she wrote told him that she was either writing about him, or something else that made her pretty horny. She put the diary aside and reached her hand into her pants and Finn's jaw dropped, in equal parts shock and delight.

Part of him wanted to watch her masturbate, but he knew that was pretty creepy so he tapped the window, his cock already starting to throb in his pants.

She looked up, scared and then mortified. She shook her head, embarrassed, slowly got off the bed and opened the window.

"What did you see?" She hissed at him as he clambered in as silently as he could.

"Something I'd like to see more of." He bit his bottom lip and raised his eyebrows cheekily.

"Oh my god." She turned red and his grin grew wider.

"No! It's sexy." He said salaciously. She shook her head and went back to her bed, Finn following her, undressing her the whole way. "What's say I watch you masturbate until you cum, and then we take care of me?"

"What's say we don't?" Rae blushed.

"What was you thinking about?" She rolled her eyes at his question.

"It's obvious innit?" She answered testily.

"Oh but tell me anyway."

"Archie and Chop, in a gay tryst. And I walk in on them… and they both do me." Finn narrowed his eyes at her.

"That's not funny." He answered only half serious.

"It's fucking hilarious." Rae said starting to laugh at his sour expression.

"What was you really thinking about?"

"You." She gave in.

"Oh, what was I doing?"

"Me." He leaned over and kissed her. Feeling something digging into his thigh, he remembered the envelope.

"Oh hey." He pulled it out and handed it to her, "found this on your front doorstep.

"Found it on the front doorstep." She said laughing, "You'll have to lie better than that Finnley." She said as she looked at the envelope, her name inside of the love heart.

"What d'you mean?" He asked as he watched her opened it and pull out a beautiful gold bracelet. She smiled at him.

"I thought you had no money now that you're not working." She smiled, "It's beautiful Finn, thank you." She said as she put it on. Finn felt a slow panic raising in his stomach. He looked over at the open window, the curtains revealing her room to the road outside. He got up and closed them, making sure the window was locked.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Rae, that bracelet's not from me?"

"But it's the same love heart…?" She looked at his face, "You didn't send the roses or the chocolates either?" She suddenly realised.

"No."

"Huh." She didn't know how she felt. "So I have a secret admirer?" She said to herself. "What?" She was confused. Who would secretly admire her?

"Or a stalker." Finn's mind went to Liam. He looked back at the window to make sure it was properly closed.

"It's probably a mistake." She shrugged.

"A mistake, with your name on it, three times?" Rae saw how worried he was.

"Don't worry about it Finn, it's nothing!"

"What if it's not Rae?" Finn asked insistently. Rae had no answer and just shrugged.

"It'll be fine." She said after a while. And invited him to come and lie down with her.

He took her protectively into his arms and stroked her hair, as much to sooth himself as her.

She fell asleep long before he did.

His mind kept churning.

Roses.

Chocolates.

Gold bracelet.

Liam.

That guy was dangerous.

'_Into Dust' by Mazzy Star_

_Your skin is so soft._ They were lying, legs entangled, tongues entwined, hands freely exploring. Finn traced small love letters on her back and she would sigh gently to let him know that she'd 'read' them.

_You are my world. _This phrase had become Finn's way of saying 'I love you' and he used it often.

This morning he had leapt out of Rae's window before Linda had woken, but within an hour, she was at his place, and they were in bed together again. They were planning on walking to the hospital together, but about 20 minutes ago, a nurse from the hospital had rung to re-arrange their appointment, some sort of emergency had Kester's attention. So they had stayed in Finn's room, they had all of Saturday free, and they intended to spend the entire day in bed. In fact, they'd probably spend the rest of the weekend in bed because, both Gary and Janice were heading into work today, and then Janice was heading back to Leeds for the rest of the weekend, and Gary was off to London. So they also had the place to themselves. Finn's dad always went to London at this time of the year. Finn knew it wasn't work related but had no definitive answer as to what it was about. Sometimes around this time of year he'd see his dad reading a tatty old piece of paper and looking pretty morose. Finn had guessed that it was about his mother, but he didn't know for sure.

But it was his dad's business. Not his.

Even so, Finn knew it was a difficult time for his dad, so he always made an effort to give him a hug.

"Want a drink girl?" He sat up, regretfully extricating himself from her embrace. She sighed and nodded. "I'll be back." He imitated Arnie, eliciting a smile from Rae and headed for downstairs quietly, not wanting to wake Janice if she was still asleep. He stopped near the bottom of the stairs to take a breath and put his supportive face on for his dad. He heard the kettle go off in the kitchen, heard Janice's voice.

"I'll get it."

"Thanks."

Finn heard Rae put on Babylon Zoo upstairs and had to stifle a laugh. He wanted to run back up the stairs and kiss her. Now he had to wipe the stupid grin off his face again. He took a deep breath and tried to look serious.

"I'm sorry." His father said sadly. "It's a bit embarrassing really."

"No Gary it's fine." Finn's ear pricked up and he took a few more steps down the stairs to hear better.

"I'm used to having the place to myself on a Saturday morning." Gary sighed. "Finn usually sleeps late or is off at football practice." Finn heard his dad sniff and felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. How often did his sit at the table alone, near tears, it sounded.

"It's ok." He heard Janice sooth his father. "I don't mind. And you have nothing to be embarrassed about."

Finn heard his father sniff again, heard the scrape of a seat on the floor.

"It's just a very emotional anniversary for me today." His voice wavered and Finn's eyebrows creased in concern and curiosity. He'd never heard his father talk about this. He silently crept closer to the door, wanting to hear. He could see his dad, Janice's hand on his hand. But he couldn't see Janice. He saw that his dad had the piece of paper.

"Is this when your wife left?" She asked cautiously.

"Yeah." Gary said and took a sip of his tea.

"I can't imagine how hard it's been for you and Finn. I'm really sorry." Finn watched her hand go up to his father's face, it looked like she was wiping away a tear.

"Harder on her I think." He mumbled. Finn knew he shouldn't be listening in, but he felt himself creeping closer still; he didn't want to miss a word.

"Can I asked what happened?" Her voice was low and delicate, but Gary's gruff, cynical laugh cut through the calm.

"What happened?" His voice was filled with regret and self-loathing. "I let her down. She had so much pain and…" Gary shook his head sadly, "She suffered every day. And I couldn't help her. I tried. I thought sometimes that I was getting somewhere. But in the end, I wasn't enough for her." Finn felt a stabbing pain in his chest.

_But in the end, I wasn't enough for her…_

The crinkling of paper told Finn that his dad was looking at that weathered piece of paper again.

"Is that…?"

"Her goodbye note." Gary answered the question before it was asked. "Been holding on to this for 7 years. It was the last thing she ever gave me."

"You still love her?" Janice's voice was filled with raw emotion and admiration.

"Aye." His father said, uncharacteristically using the Scottish positive. Finn watched his father wipe his eyes, repress his emotion and once again saw himself in those actions. "Us Nelson men don't stop loving once we start. I'm noticing that with Finn more and more." It was strange hearing his father notice the similarities between them.

"Well I think it's very noble and very romantic." Janice said kindly. "But don't you get lonely?"

"Yeah. I do." He said sadly, and then with an amused tone, "You know Finn told me to start dating again!"

"I think he's right." Janice said, "7 years is a long time to be alone. And I firmly believe that we humans are more than capable of loving more than one person." She squeezed his hands, "plus, the female population is missing out Gary." She said cheekily and Gary laughed softly.

"You're a liar Miss Harcourt!" He joked.

"No, I never lie." Her tone was light, but Finn heard the gravitas hidden beneath the carefree delivery of her words.

"You know I haven't thanked you for bringing Finn back."

"I didn't bring Finn back. Finn brought himself back."

"Nonetheless, I know you had a lot to do with it. I think that the Nelson men have been very lucky to have you around Janice."

"I feel pretty lucky to have met you two as well." She picked up her tea cup, and Finn, unable to see, could only assume she took a drink. "So what are we going to do to get Gary Nelson on the dating scene?"

"Leave off!" He sounded oddly pleased and Finn felt himself smile for his father.

"Do you know Gary, this might be overstepping my mark, but I think you should throw that letter out." Janice said suddenly.

Finn was afraid to breathe the silence was so complete.

"I don't know if I can." Gary responded, barely audible.

"Ok, well let's just try putting it on the table then."

"I'm not that bad!" He groaned and Finn saw his dad put the letter on the table, "I can put it down."

"Ok." The scrape of the chair on the floor as she moved closer again, now Finn could see her face as she leaned closer, "Can I read it?" She asked softly.

"I don't know…"

"Ok."

"It's just… I haven't let anyone read it."

"So you've borne the contents of this letter alone, for 7 years?" Her hands went back to his, her face was desperately compassionate.

"Well… it's just that. Most of our family's in Australia, and some in Scotland, you know. And Finn… well Finn doesn't need to know all of this."

"Maybe he does, Gary. He's a young man now. And it might do you good to let this go."

There was a silence. And slowly one of Gary's hand left Janice's and picked up the letter. He handed it to her.

"You read that, and tell me if I should let my son read it." He said softly, knowingly. Janice took the letter with one hand, the other still holding Gary's, and Finn watched her face as closely as he could.

Her first expression was a gentle smile, followed by a slowly growing look of concern and then shock. Her eyes looked up from the letter to Gary's face who was smiling grimly.

"I don't think Finn should read this." She conceded in a devastated whisper.

"No." Gary agreed, his smile turned bitter, "This is for me to carry alone."

"Not alone." Janice said softly, "I've read it now." She looked at his face and smiled.

"Well that just means you understand how completely I failed her."

"I remember Finn telling me how much he had failed Rae." Janice looked down at their fingers, entwined, "He sat in my brother's pub and hated himself for letting her down. And I am going to tell you what I told him." She looked back up at his face, "I don't think you could have helped her." Finn watched his father's face collapse in grief. Janice wrapped her arms around him, "You couldn't have helped her." Gary sobbed and Janice held him, whispering,

"You did everything you could."

Finn knew he had trespassed long enough and turned silently, travelling back up the stairs with a sense of dread in his stomach.

He opened the door to his room, to see Rae sitting on his bed looking through some of his CDs.

"Oi, where's me drink?" Rae joked and then saw his face, "what's wrong?" Finn sat down next to her and she laced her arms around him, he found her touch so comforting and leaned into her gently.

"I just heard me dad and Janice talking." He said quietly. "Dad's got a letter from me mum that he don't want me to see."

Rae took a deep breath. She didn't know what to say, so she waited for him to speak. She had learned it was often better to give him time to think anyway.

"It's the anniversary of her leaving." Finn said numbly, "and he's telling Janice things that he's never told me." Rae bit her tongue, didn't point out that Janice seemed to bring that out in people; himself included. They sat in silence for a while, Rae's arms around Finn as his mind worked through all his feelings.

"It's his business innit?" He asked her cautiously.

"Well yeah… but she's your mum. I wanted to know why me dad left."

"Why did he leave?"

"Dunno. I think it were probably cos he weren't a nice person. But I dunno for sure."

"Do you think about it?"

"Yeah. A fair bit."

"And if you could find out. Would you?"

"Yes."

Finn stood up and paced the room, clearly in conflict. Rae watched him, not sure what to say.

"If I read that letter Rae. I'll know." He said after a while.

"But your dad don't want you to read it."

"No." He agreed. "No he doesn't." He started to pace again, "and Janice thought that I shouldn't read it either."

"Well… what do you think?" Rae didn't know what was best.

"I dunno." He sat down on the bed next to her. "If it were you, what would you do?"

"I'd read it." She answered truthfully. Finn looked down at his fingers and bit the inside of his mouth.

"Ok." He said softly, "alright. I think I want'a read it."

"Don't do it just cos I would."

"I want'a know why me mum left me behind Rae." His voice was heartbreaking. "You know, when I were 10, me dad just said, 'your mum left Finn.' That were it. No explanation, no discussion, just, be brave Finny boy, this is the new fact of our lives." He looked at the wall, and Rae could see the great weight that had been put on him from so young, bearing down on him.

"Ok. You have to know. I understand." She took his hand, "I'll read it with you." She said supportively. She felt some of the tension leave his body.

"Thanks." He breathed anxiously.

"I think you need some tea. Tea fixes everything." She reminded him and he smiled wanly. "I'll go get some, then we'll wait for your dad and Janice to leave, and we'll try and find it." Finn nodded his agreement with the plan.

Rae left him, sitting on his bed, biting the cuticles around his nails brutally and went down to the kitchen with a sense of foreboding. She couldn't help but feel that this was a bad idea. She started to hope that Gary would take the letter with him when he went to London.

She wondered what kind of thing Gary would keep from Finn. Private things between a man and a woman. She started to feel guilty about this plan. And this feeling was not alleviated by Gary waking into the kitchen looking exhausted, a battered piece of paper in his hands.

"Rae?" He said with a genuine smile through his exhaustion, "I didn't hear you come in."

" 'Morning Gary." Rae attempted to smile as her eyes fell to the letter. "Want a brew?"

"No that's fine." He said as he went to his work desk and opened the third drawer. She watched as he put the letter under all the other papers in there.

"Oh fuck." She muttered imperceptibly to herself. Now she knew where it was there was no excuse not to find it. She wouldn't lie to Finn, not about anything. Especially not something as important as this.

"Got to get a move on for work!" He continued as he bustled around the kitchen. And then he stopped and turned to her. "You know you don't have to sneak in Rae. You are very welcome here." He said as if this was of great importance. He touched her shoulder, "my son cares a great deal about you." His eyes dropped to the necklace she wore, "so you're family now. Understood?" He drew her into a hug. She hugged him back, feeling an odd mixture of warmth, support and awkwardness.

"Alright Gary." Rae answered happily. When he pulled back from the hug she saw that his eyes were red.

"Ok." He nodded and looked at her for a moment longer before hurrying off to the lounge room. Rae watched him leave the house a moment later, calling out his goodbyes to Finn, Janice and herself.

"Oh fuck." She sighed. The third drawer in the desk seamed to burn her retinas as she stared at it.

Finn came in, not able to wait alone in his room. They sat down at the table, calmly, quietly, knowing what they would do once Janice left.

"I know where it is." Rae told him. Choosing to support his decision above her own misgivings. He nodded and followed her gaze to his father's work desk.

They drank their tea, staring at the desk, making small talk with Janice as she ate breakfast, waiting for the sound of her car to fade.

"Alright." Rae knew there was no point in delaying the inevitable. Finn watched her get up and go over to the desk. She sat down in Gary's chair and slowly slid open the third drawer.

There were a whole lot of tax forms and receipts and Rae carefully lifted them up to find the letter underneath.

She took the letter and turned to Finn, seeing him picking at his cuticles, even though one was now bleeding.

"Don't do that." She said gently.

"Sorry." He said shakily, "Nervous." He explained.

"Let's open this in your room?" Rae asked as she held out her hand.

Finn nodded and went to her.

'_You and I' – Jeff Buckley_

Finn wiped his hands on his boxers and looked up at Rae as she sat down beside him, holding the folded piece of paper.

She started to unfold it and Finn put his hand over hers.

"I don't know if I can do it." He whispered, terrified, thinking of Janice's response to its contents.

"Alright." Rae closed it. "Shall I put it back?"

"No." Finn looked at the letter. They'd come this far. "Can you read it first?" He asked vulnerably.

"Of course." She kissed his lips tenderly and turned back to the letter.

Finn watched her open the letter, kept his eyes on her face as the same look of concern and shock that Janice had had, crept over her face. And then her eyes darted up to him, sympathy, compassion, fear and pain in her eyes. Finn dropped his eyes to the letter when she did. He watched her reading it again.

"What is it Rae?" She looked up at his worried face.

"I don't think you should read it." She answered softly as she looked back down at the letter, her eyes picking out the most terrible parts.

"Why?" His face was confused, frustrated.

"Um… your mother was unwell." Rae said after a long moment. She watched Finn's eyes drop to the letter so she closed it protectively.

"Unwell?"

"Like me Finn." She tried to make him understand. Finn's face screwed up in thought and memory. "Your mum was ill. She were like me. And she left because of that." Rae explained.

"What does the letter say?" Finn asked numbly.

"That's what it says." Rae answered firmly. Finn felt himself standing up.

"Rae, give me the letter."

"Please don't make me give it to you Finn." She pleaded. He paused for a moment, her plea making him waver.

"Pease let me see it." He knew he had to read it now.

Rae lowered her eyes and nodded her head as he sat back on the bed, making no attempt to take the letter from her.

"Finn." She swallowed hard, "your mum… she…" and then another thought came to her. "Gracie?" She said softly. A confused look came over Finn's face.

"Gracie?" He repeated. His eyes blank, he showed no recognition. Rae looked back at the closed letter. He was going to read it. She couldn't stop him.

"You had a sister, Finn." Rae said softly. Finn blinked a few times, his face a mask of disbelief.

"Grace." He understood. Rae nodded. "I think, I remember…" a crying child? "No, I can't remember her." Finn finally said. He shook his head frustrated.

"That's alright Finn." Rae soothed.

"Did my mum take her and not me?" He whispered emotionally.

_Lie to him._

_This is kinder than the truth. '_

"Rae?" She put her arms around him, not knowing what to say. He sunk into her arms slowly.

"Why did you say I 'had' a sister?" His voice was low, insistent. His hand crept up to her hands slowly and gently took the letter from her. She let it go. She didn't know what else to do. Finn opened the letter, still in Rae's arms and began to read, biting his bottom lip anxiously.

_To my Dearest Gary_

_It seems so strange to be ending our mad love affair like this. I always believed you that we'd grow old together. I hope you know that I still love you, I always will. And this has nothing to do with you. You've done everything you could._

Finn looked up at Rae's face as she held him, her eyes told him that the letter was going to be bad, but he still found the strength to look back down at the scrawling script so similar to his own.

_It's seems unfair to keep hurting you the way I do. _

_It's not going away Gary._

_It's not leaving me._

_It's growing._

_I keep seeing her lying in that cot dead. My baby girl. _

Finn felt a growing pain in his belly.

He heard a crying child.

He could vaguely remember Grace.

"I think I were 4 when she died." He barely breathed.

"Oh Finn." Rae held him tighter as she saw tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Maybe 5." He recalled something sombre. Images of a tiny coffin came to him.

And then his mother. Burning photographs. Crying, screeching.

"How did I forget?" His body felt numb now, but his heart ached.

"You were a child Finn." Rae answered, "I don't remember when I were 5."

He looked up to her for reassurance that he wasn't some heartless monster, and saw her compassion.

He looked back down at the letter.

_I keep hating myself that I were focussing so much on Finn that I didn't notice she had died. _

A shuddering intake of air from Finn.

Rae felt a tear creep down her cheek as she saw the agony on his face.

_But worse, I keep hating Finn for fussing so much that he needed so much of my attention. _

A gentle sob. Rae stroked his hair.

"It's not your fault." She whispered to him.

_I hate those drugs the doctor gave me. They make everything numb. And grey. And I can't stand it._

_I can't take them anymore. _

_I know you said that you'd love me forever. And I believe you. But I'm scared. _

_I keep thinking of hurting myself. But that doesn't scare me as much as the other thoughts._

_I'm afraid for Finn. _

_Today he and Archie were running and screaming around the house._

_How can he laugh? How can he play? _

_Doesn't he realise that Gracie is cold in the ground?_

_And I had this image of me just shaking him, slamming him into the wall until he died. _

Finn couldn't read the letter, his vision was too blurred with tears. Rae took his face between her hands and kissed his crying face. Shuddering sobs left his mouth. He handed it to her and she understood that he wanted her to read it to him.

"_I have to go._

_Please don't think this is your fault._

_And don't let Finn think it's his fault."_

She paused for emphasis, But Finn, his head on her shoulder was beyond hearing these words. He cried inconsolably. Almost silently, only the trembling intake of air could be heard, the shaking of his body felt.

"_There's something broken inside of me. _

_I let our baby girl die, and it doesn't matter what the doctors say Gary – I know it was my fault."_

Rae stopped, letting the hand that held the letter drop to her lap, she didn't want to read the next part, but Finn took her hand, and raised it again. It was too late now. It all had to come out.

"_I know it was Finn's fault! If he'd just stopped running around for five minutes so I could get him dressed! But he never did. He never stopped. And our little girl stopped breathing. And I wasn't there."_

Finn buried his face in her neck and Rae tightened her arms around him as he sobbed, unrestrained, for the first time in his life.

She was finding it hard to read the letter, her eyes filled with tears, her throat closing with grief. But she held the letter up behind him as he clung to her, and read over his shoulder, knowing she had to finish it for him.

"_I thought that after a few years I'd get better. I thought you could heal me. I know you thought it too. _

_But it's not working and I can't be what you want._

_Take care of Finn._

_Tell him I love him."_

She paused, both to get her breath from crying, and to make sure that Finn heard that.

"_Because I do. That's why I'm leaving._

_If I ever get better, I'll come back. _

_I love you Gary._

_Yours forever_

_Kenzie."_

Finn's breaths came in sharp, ragged heaves of his chest, Rae held on to him as tightly as she could as she felt the emotion sweeping through him. He took the letter from her and crumbled it up and let it fall to the floor, his eyes never leaving it, his vision blurred by tears.

Rae didn't know what to say to him.

What do you say to something like that?

"Oh Finn." Rae tried to sooth his tears.

But he said nothing. He just clung to her, his face buried in her neck, his body shaking.

"She were unwell." Rae wanted him to hear her. "She loved you, that's why she left. She didn't want to hurt you." Another ragged breath. "It weren't your fault what happened to your sister. It weren't your fault that your mum left." Another heaving sob of a breath. She felt him crumble under the weight of his grief and let him fall further into her, laying down on the bed with him. He balled his body up, burying his face into her neck even more, sobbing. And she tried to envelope him, to protect him, tried to take all of it from him with soft words and gentle strokes.

And he sobbed, pitifully.

After a while she started to gently sing to him first one song, then another, and another; snippets of lyrics she could remember, the words barely leaving her mouth:

"You and I, you and I, you and I,  
All for you.  
Where you think you'll fall,  
I adore you.  
Where you shut your soul,  
I will open for you.  
If we had only known, in a way  
We'd never reach this ground.  
I'll know, silver eyes.  
I can see us shine.  
I said, we will feel the weight  
Fall away from us in time  
Searching our past for a true  
You and I, you and I, you and I,  
All for you."

"Can't argue with Jeff Buckley." He said in a small, ragged voice when she'd stopped. She held him tighter, relieved to hear his voice.

"No you can't." A gasp of emotion left her and she kissed the top of his head and he reached his face up, his mouth seeking hers. She kissed him with all the strength she had in her, wanting him to take her strength. Wanting this pain to not be his. She tenderly wiped the tears from his face as he lay there, numbness having crept over his insides, his eyes downcast, but at least the tears had slowed now. She kissed his forehead again, allowing the silence to stay as long as he needed it.

"Rae?" He sounded broken, his voice cracked and scraped at his vocal chords. She kissed his lips gently.

"What do you need?" She asked softly.

"It's just… well…" He paused for a long time and she waited, "You don't think that… you don't think any less o' me, do you?" He sounded so small and afraid.

"No Finn!" Her voice was firm, honest and bewildered that he could ask such a thing. "I could never think less of you. Your mother was unwell." She said forcefully. "Nod your head Finn!" She ordered and he did. "She didn't mean it. She were unwell."

"My dad always said I were a difficult child." Finn's tears started afresh.

"Your sister is not dead because of you." Rae understood what he meant and countered it resolutely.

"Then why did she die?"

_Oh but he sounds so lost._

"I don't know Finn." Rae answered truthfully, "but you running around being a kid, did not make her stop breathing in her cot. Alright?" Finn's eyes bore into her, pleading for it to be true. "Nod your head Finn." He nodded again and then nestled his face back into her neck.

"If you really want'a know what happened, we're gonna have to talk to your dad."

"No." He said, his face still buried.

"Alright." She acquiesced and kissed the top of his head again.

"Do you still like me Rae?" He asked urgently, his face buried so much that she barely heard him.

"Of course I do." She was bewildered by his emotions. "Look at me Finn." He slowly withdrew his face from her neck and raised his eyes to hers, shame and guilt brimming over in them. "I still like you, ok? Why wouldn't I?"

"The stuff me mum said…"

"Has nothing to do with who you are Finn." She shook her head at him.

"What?" He asked self-consciously.

"I always think you're a lot more confident than you actually are." He lowered his eyes.

"D'you hate that about me?"

"I don't hate anything about you. Quite the opposite actually." He raised his eyes to hers again. Looking for confirmation of what she'd said. "I don't think differently about you. What happened with your mum and your sister. None of it were your fault. You were 5 Finn. How could it be your fault?" He nodded slowly, willing himself to believe her. "Your mum were ill. And she loved you ok?" He sniffed and nodded again. Tears started to form behind his eyes and he did nothing to repress them. He let them fall. And she gently wiped them from his swollen cheeks.

"I don't wanna be like me dad Rae." He said desperately. "I don't wanna let you down. I don't wanna hold in what I'm feeling anymore."

"Alright." She said encouragingly.

"That won't bother you?"

"Nope."

"What if I cry too much?"

"I'll probably still cry more."

"What if I cry in front of people?"

"I'll join in and they'll think we're both mad." And he laughed. He couldn't help it. She was just so perfect. He unfurled a little, rearranged himself so that he could hold her too, rather than be cradled by her. He smiled, even though tears were still on both of their cheeks.

"You're my world Rae."

"And you're mine."

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." ~ Khalil Gibran

"And love doesn't come when we want it to, but comes like an errant deer when it wants." ~ Nizar Qabbani


End file.
